Guy to friend: Just because I love mescaline doesn't mean I don't have standards!
Fort Worth, Texas
Guy to friend: Just because I love mescaline doesn't mean I don't have standards!
Fort Worth, Texas
Co-Worker: Fonts are like my heroin.
820 West Superior Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
Bookseller: I cleaned up all the damn puppets. All of them! Then, watched as a father allowed his children to throw all of them on the floor, play for an hour, then leave them. He grinned at me, said ‘Kids, right?’, then left. It took all I had not to tear that grin off his face, and shove it so far up his fucking ass that I could then reattach it backwards…Wow, four hours really is too long to go without a cigarette!
Cashier: That was the best image I’ve had all day. Go smoke so that I can savor it alone.
430 W Vine Street
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: Laughing coworker
Office girl: So I decided to be different and do psychotropic drugs while everyone else did cannibalism. It was pretty cool.
Office guy (nodding): That makes sense.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Slowly backing away…
Employee #1: So, I’ve been taking them for about a month now.
Employee #2: Yeah?
Employee #1: I don’t feel bigger. Definitely… rounder… and harder, but not bigger.
Elk Grove, Illinois
Overheard by: Nick Danger
Visiting IT guy: You want some crack? Oh, I can get you some crack. You should have said something, I was at Pawley’s Island this weekend and had a boatload.
Assistant: Hmm, and you are on crack now. I see your hands are not shaking from withdrawal. Get out of my cubicle.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Executive: So I ended up with the meth head’s blood all over my face.
8081 Wallace Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Loan officer: My husband’s parents were married for 50 years.
Receptionist: What’s the secret of being married that long?
Collector: Alcohol.
802 South Westnedge Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: just passing by
Business Officer: You remember when I told you that?
Editor: No, I was drunk at the time.
409 Prospect Street
New Haven, Connecticut
Mother: I think Grandma Olson has a little bit of a cirrhosis thing going on.
Little girl: Why’s that?
Mother: Because Grandma Olson drinks much, much, much more than-
Little girl: -Than grandpa?
Mother: Than anyone in the world.
120 Kellogg Boulevard
St. Paul, Minnesota
