Woman on phone: Mom, tell my brother that if he doesn’t pick up his car, I’m gonna have it towed.
[pause]
Woman on phone: Because I don’t want it parked in front of my house.
[pause]
Woman on phone: Because I don’t want to advertise to the entire neighborhood that black people live here.
465 Main Street
Charlestown, Massachusetts
Teacher: Explain that to me again.
Parent: I just don’t gets it. I’s lay with a man, and he gets me pregnant.
Teacher: Are you serious?
Parent: Look, bitch, I gots me seven kids, and I don’t know where they be comin’ from. You gots to help me. I goes to sleep, and then I’s wake up pregnant.
Teacher: Look, I’m referring you to the counselor. This is out of my hands.
Parent: Bitch, that ain’t gonna help!
Teacher: Look, I don’t have a direct line with Jesus to help you out, so the counselor is the next best thing. Got that, bitch?
School
Las Vegas, Nevada
Funny boss to admin: Sugar turns into fat and it just sits…in your butt!
Omaha, Nebraska
Manager to another: You know, sometimes you are going to just walk out to your car and it will be covered entirely in vaseline.
Dayton, Ohio
Concerned lady coworker: How is Ellen*? Did she find a new job yet?
Ellen’s boyfriend: No, she hasn’t even looked. Her self-esteem is really bad right now.
Concerned lady coworker: Awww — you have to tell her she’s beautiful every day.
Ellen’s boyfriend: No! I can’t do it. I won’t do it!
Concerned lady coworker: Come on, lie to her. I’m sure you’ve lied to women before.
11442 West Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
Intern on lunch break: Can I have a napkin, please?
Bored cafeteria lady, without looking up: Use your sleeve.
(intern backs away slowly)
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Fellow cubicle-dweller
Female coworker #1: You can’t blow them if you’re laughing.
Female coworker #2: I guess that’s true.
Female coworker #3: Even when I blow them they keep coming back into my face. This is why you should not have bubbles at an office party!
Houston, Texas
Teacher: You know, now that they are both 18, we can rape them, and it wouldn’t be considered statutory.
2 Stewart Place
Eastchester, New York
Overheard by: Johnnymunz
Student: You haven't lived until you've failed out of school at least once.
BOCES
Bellport, New York
Overheard by: So thats why you're in Boces!
Employee: Did you hear, there was another bombing on the subway in London?
Boss: I don’t care how balmy it is in London, I wouldn’t go over there right now.
217 10th Street
Brandon, Manitoba
Canadia
