The Military

Sarge: Well… you could also use it literally like: “If I fucked your mother. I would be a motherfucker.”

Academy Street
Newark, Delaware

Overheard by: Shaye

Receptionist on phone: I'll be shorter than a midget on his knees!

Washington Navy Yard
Washington, DC

Soldiers are doing push-ups on frost-covered grass.

Soldier #1: Man, it’s cold! I can’t feel my hands!

Soldier #2: I can’t feel my testicles.

Soldier #3: My testicles are all crawled up inside my body…so snug…and so warm…

Soldier #4: I wish I was a testicle.

Soccer field #3
Fort Eustis, Virginia

Coworker #1: How’s the weather outside?
Coworker #2: Pretty good, it’s like getting spit on.

Brooklyn Army Terminal
Brooklyn, New York

Sailor, with sheet to sign: I need your signature on this.
Boss man: Ok, do you have a pen?
Sailor: Uh… No.
Boss: Tell me, Frank, how am I supposed to sparkle if you don’t give me any glitter? [Storms out of the room.]

Pt. Mugu Naval Base, California

Computer guy: I wonder what it is that makes it feel so damn cold in this building sometimes?
Graphics dude: Maybe it’s the temperature.

Dyess Air Force Base

Overheard by: Michael Philippus

Peon: Don't get stoned with two birds in one throw. (pause) Wait…

Navy Yard
Washington, DC

Program manager: Would you let me mess with his head for just two minutes?

Hill Air Force Base

Overheard by: Snickering Intern

Doctor: I'm thinking about going up to Austin this weekend.
Nurse #1: What's in Houston?
Doctor: Austin.
Nurse #2: What about Houston?
Doctor: Austin!
Smart-ass tech: Boston?

Lackland Air Force Base, Texas

Overheard by: Geographically Declined

Coworker: I'm an engineer that went over to the green side.

US Army Corps of Engineers
Washington, DC