The Military

Soldier #1 is walking around slapping people on the ass with a length of stainless steel hydraulic line.


Soldier #1: You like that, dontcha bitch? You want some more?
Soldier #2: Oh yeah, give it to me papi!

*loud swat*

Soldier #2: OW!! [brief pause] Yeah, that was good…
Soldier #1: You want another one?
Soldier #2: Not yet, papi, I gotta go get the Crisco and rub it on my ass first.
Soldier #1: You have 5 minutes.

Bldg 2411-B
Fortt Eustis, Virginia

Overheard by: Jason Grier

IT guy on phone: Be ready when I get home.
(clicks it to speakerphone)
IT guy’s wife: Well, that is fine but I did not put the butt plug in the freezer yet.
IT guy: (clicks speaker phone off) Hey! Sorry, I know you hate the speakerphone…

Naval Base
Pensacola, Florida

Navy commander to his three-year old who’s locked herself in the connecting bathroom again: Susie*, open this door at once! I command you!

Visiting officer’s quarters, Tachikawa Air Force base

Chief petty officer: So, you’re saying the reservists can shoot themselves?
Training officer: Yes, but only with supervision.

Barboursville, West Virginia

Soldier #3 has a glass eye. It is out of his head and lying on the desk.

Soldier #1: Hey [John], let’s go have a smoke.
Soldier #2: Alright. [Places cigarette in mouth and walks toward door.] Soldier #3: Hey dumbass, you’re inside! Get that fuckin’ cigarette out of your mouth!
Soldier #2: Hey Blackbeard, get a fuckin’ eye in your head!

Building 2411-B
Fort Eustis, Virginia

Overheard by: SGT Grier

(long past June)
Receptionist: I haven't opened all my Christmas gifts yet. I just haven't had time.

Washington Navy Yard
Washington, DC

Sergeant: But seriously, what would happen if the sun turned off?
Soldier: Well, you’d still have like, millions of years while the thing cooled off.
Sergeant: Naw, f*** that, like what if God threw a circuit breaker?

Lieutenant walks in

Soldier: Hey LT, you ran a nuclear plant before you came in the service, right? What would happen if someone popped the circuit breaker on the sun right now?

Lieutenant has a pained expression on his face.

Sergeant: Seriously, we’re not gonna let this go until we have an answer from a reputable source.
Soldier: We could go on like this for the rest of the deployment.
Lieutenant: Alright guys, it’s like this…

[…2 hours of nuclear physics, relative theory, thermal conductivity of the Earth’s
mantle and crust, and every crackpot theory to counter the former three…]

Soldier:…man, I’m never asking LT another question, ever.
Lieutenant: Good, ’cause I wasn’t gonna answer it anyway.

Mozul Airfield

Overheard by: Bobby

Coworker: So, has the National Guard taught you head shots yet?
UPS guy: Nah, but we’re gonna start with civilians.

17 Battery Place
New York, New York

Overheard by: Kona Gallagher

Large woman looking in bathroom stall: Lord, I can't even fit in there! I'm just gonna hold it.

Navy Yard
Washington, DC

Peon #1: Isn't that just going to make the situation worse? Man, that's going to mess everything up over there!
Commander: Well, you can't just stand in the rain and yell!
Peon #2: Ha-ha! rrrghh! I hate the rain!

Washington Navy Yard
Washington, DC

Overheard by: El Monsoon