“Please forgive me; I’m demilingual.”

JP Morgan Office Manager: Do he know he have a meeting? Her said he have a meeting.

38 W. 75th Street
New York, NY

Boss, interrupting serious discussion on Risk Management: I’m feeling frisky!

Atlanta, Georgia

Indian man on voice mail: Hello, my name is Joe*. I am calling for my friend Alan Warren*. This is for Susan*. Please give Alan a call. He would like you to be the mother of his children.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Opinionated coworker: My wife’s mad at me because I think she’s an idiot.

Main Street and Grant Avenue
Columbus, Ohio

Project manager, regarding principal of firm: He has been driving around with his windshield wipers on because he can’t figure out how to turn them off, do you really think he will understand this?

98th & Broadway
New York City, New York

Staff member: I love baklava. Have you ever had the vegan baklava? It’s so good!
Grad student: I don’t think I’ve had vegan anything.
Staff member: I think it’s made from hemp or something. I wonder if it’s okay to eat it and then come to work.
Grad student: I don’t know.
Staff member, pretending to be high: You’d be like, “Woooah! Heeeey!“
Grad student, joining in: Woooooaaaaahhh!

Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: How do these people make it through college?

Comics editor: I already got consent, now all I need to do is find a gas station.

Austin, Texas

Lauren*: So I went on this diet and I was eating cream of mushroom soup. And I thought, “wow, this is awfully thick. It’s like pudding!” Then I realized you’re supposed to put water in it.
Boss: Jesus Christ, Lauren*!
Lauren*: I know, right?
Boss: Why did we hire you again?

Fontana, California

Overheard by: Aeirlys

Employee #1: It’s okay, don’t worry about it. Carmen is gonna get them eventually.
(long pause)
Employee #2: It’s “karma,” dumbass!

Hawthorne, California

Overheard by: thanks, carmen.

Developer: Is “buttload” hyphenated?
New guy: No, I think it’s just one word.

Corner of State & Water
Peoria, Illinois

Overheard by: only girl in an office of men…