CSR on phone: His name is Dan. That's “d” as in “dog,” “a” as in “apple,” “n” as in “India.”
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: bored receptionist
It’s Amazing He Can Be Such a Good Lawyer, Despite Being Blind
Female staffer #1: You know what David* said to me? He said, “In case you know anyone who’s having a vasectomy, I have some advice for you to give them.” And then he told me about how they gave him a jock strap to wear after his surgery to keep everything in place, but that the one they gave him was too small. And I said, “David! I don’t want to hear any more!” But he kept talking about how uncomfortable it was to wear a jock strap that was too small for him after having his vasectomy. I was afraid he was going to start describing exactly how his balls were getting squeezed.
Female staffer #2: See, that’s a perfect example of how David is always so passive. If he weren’t so passive, he’d just say, “I want everyone to know I’m hung like a horse.”
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
By Birth, Marriage, or Popular Acclamation?
Blonde: I’m queen of the Gentiles!
Owings Mills, Maryland
Mostly I Use It to Invade Less Fortunate Countries
Worker bee #1: Your car doesn’t get very good mileage, does it?
Worker bee #2: Well, it gets 21 on the highway.
Worker bee #1: Do you do any highway driving?
Worker bee #2: No, not really.
Main Street
Spencer, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Paul Skarmeas
That and the Tragic Banana Allergy
Coworker #1 to coworker #2, wearing a cast: What did you do to your hand?
Coworker #2: I broke my thumb.
Coworker #1: You need your thumb. That's what makes you not a monkey!
Titusville, Florida
Overheard by: Hoss
Stupid Twenty-First Century
Suit #1: The RFA for the 'o'9-'o'10 year are…
Suit #2: “O'9-'o'10?” You mean “'o'9-10.”
Suit #1: There is another zero in 2010.
Boss: Yeah, 'o'9-10'o'!
Suit #1 & #2: “10'o”?!
Boss: What? Isn't that right?
Suit #2: No, he meant double 'o'9 and 'o'10.
Suit #1: I hate my life.
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by:
And Suddenly the Judge Is Telling Me I'm in Contempt?
Attorney: Seamen. (employees chuckle in their cubicles). I just want to say the name.
Wall Street
New York City, New York
Translation: You Are Mine, to Use and Abuse As I See Fit
Professor: So we'll have lab meeting on Monday, then.
Grad student: Um, that's Labor Day, so people will probably be away.
Professor: Away? Why?
Grad student: Because it's a federal holiday?
Professor: Well, we're not federal, so we don't take federal holidays.
Johns Hopkins University
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
Suzy Goes Predator-Trolling to Amuse Herself
Eight-year-old girl running up to her mother in line: I’m 13, and you don’t know me!
JC Penney
Eugene, Oregon
There Are Used Vibrators on EBay (Don't Ask How We Know)
Guy: Me and the wife are going out this weekend. You think you could hook me up with…uhh, some happy fun time shit?
Girl: Are you serious? I don't think I have anything you'd like. How do you know what your wife wants?
Guy: What the fuck? She wants weed, end of story!
Girl: Oh, shit! I thought you were talking about sex toys!
Guy: Why the fuck would I ask to borrow someone else's sex toys?
Girl: I…uh…
Guy (smirking): So you have sex toys, huh? What kind?
Girl: Shut up!
Centennial, Colorado
Overheard by: Trouble