Assistant: How about an update on the report for the database we talked about last week? Have you gotten to that yet?
IT: I’m not sure which one you’re talking about.
Assistant: Well, currently there is a cross-tab that displays home addresses and a cross-tab that displays financial aid, but we need a report to show us the student records by state with home address, and we need a find-sort for all students with financial aid and a hold on their account.
IT guy: …Um, I couldn’t tell where that sentence began and where it ended.
Dean’s assistant: Neither could I.
633 Main Street
Worker #1: Oh my, I hate these elevators. You never know what you’re gonna get, kinda like those roller coasters. You know, they really have a mind of their own.
Worker #2: Yeah! And then you have these crazy doors, too, where you need to do the karate chop to make them stay open. And you do it and you say to yourself, “Oh heavens, this is one karate fight I’m not gonna win!”
New York, NY
Receptionist on speaker: I’m sorry. [Chris] is still on the phone. Would you like his voicemail?
Customer: No. I am afraid he won’t call back, and this is an emergency.
Receptionist: I can put you on hold again. But he has had a lot of calls today, and I don’t know how long it will be before you can speak to him.
Customer: I would like to kick his butt.
Receptionist: I’m sorry. You will have to stand in line to do that.
5711 East FM-40
Worker: [The boss] treats me like I’m his little daughter or something. That’s a lot of pressure. I can’t be perfect all of the time.
180 East Ocean Boulevard
Long Beach, California
Front Desk: What does code 99499 mean?
Coder: “You’re a dirty whore.”
Front Desk: They have codes for that?
675 North St. Clair Street
Office worker: The paper coming out of the printer is really hot! It’s never been that hot before. Can we do something to cool it down?
Tech: Oh, I forgot! I put the summer paper in there! I’ll switch to the winter paper! Give me 10 minutes.
1700 Palm Beach Lakes Boulevard
West Palm Beach, Florida
Analyst: Lehman Brothers called about the kegs order.
156 West 56th Street
New York, NY
Nurse: Is there a reason that there’s a “no pregnant women” sign on that room? Because the patient in there is pregnant.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Maude Lynne
Lawyer: You need to learn how to be human. Be less perfect; you don’t have to be so precise about everything. Be less professional. Any questions?
Secretary: Yeah. Do you have a handbook for how to be human?
Lawyer: Oh, now you’re going to be a smartass.
701 5th Avenue
Girl: So Friday’s your last day?
Guy: Yeah, I’ll be working closer to home. I have an hour long drive to get here from my house.
Girl: Good thing you’ll be working closer to home. Traffic will suck your soul.
800 South Douglas Road
Coral Gables, Florida