Creepster hitting on CSA: Hey, there you are again.
CSA, without making eye contact: …Hey.
Creepster: You know what? You so beautiful.
CSA doesn’t respond.
Creepster, with spittle flying from between front teeth: Has anyone ever told you that you’re very photo-generic?
Animal Hospital
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: another CSA
Woman #1: Well, we were stupid back then. We thought cracking your knuckles was cool — we didn’t realize it could lead to arthritis.
Woman #2, taking a drag on her cigarette: Yeah, we just didn’t know.
7715 Chevy Chase Drive
Austin, Texas
Customer: Hi, I’m looking for a climbing plant, but I’m not sure what it’s called. It sounds like ‘clem’-something, or ‘clam’-something?
Employee: Right… Ah, ‘chlamydia’?
Customer: Um… No, that’s–
Employee, yelling over the crowd: Hey, Linda*, I have a customer looking for chlamydia. Do we have that?
Linda: That’s a venereal disease — she probably wants ‘clematis.’
Employee: Hey, she left!
Farmstand on Route 2
Lincoln, Massachusetts
Overheard by: petunias for me, thanks
Creepster #1 smelling women’s deodorant: Smell this: it smells like raspberry. Mmm!
Creepster #2: Smell this… It smells good! It’s called ‘Unscented’!
Creepster #1: Mmm.
Walmart
Concord, New Hampshire
Overheard by: walking away quickly as to not disturb them
Man: Why are you allowing a day spa? I didn’t think you allowed day spas in this town. When you have day spas you attract people who get facials, and we don’t want those kinds of people in this town!
Redlands City Hall
Redlands, California
Air Force interviewer: What did you major in at college?
Interviewee: Chinese. Well, actually, my degree was in ‘Asian and Middle Eastern Languages and Literature.’
Air Force interviewer: Oh, that’s so cool. So, you speak Asian?
Interviewee: Um, yes.
Boston, Massachusetts
Coworker: I was in a car accident once, but it wasn’t my fault because I was asleep.
1855 South Grant Street
San Mateo, California
Overheard by: Not carpooling anymore
Manager: Where’s Patti*?
Worker: Her husband is having that cadillac surgery. She won’t be in until later.
Manager: Cadillac surgery?
Worker: You know — when they take the globs off of your eyes so you can see?
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: admin in charge
Middle-aged guy #1 looking at menu: Hey, man, they spelled ‘Caesar’ wrong.
Middle-aged guy #2: What do you mean?
Middle-aged guy #1: They spelled it C-A-E-S-A-R instead of C-E-A-S-A-R. They switched the ‘A’ and ‘E.’
Middle-aged guy #2: Yeah, I’ve seen it spelled that way before. It’s, like, the authentic Roman spelling.
Middle-aged guy #1: Oh, yeah, they were always doing crazy shit… Like backward V’s and stuff.
Sam Snead’s Tavern
Shawnee on Delaware, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Logan
Black woman on cell: All he did was look at my vagina, and I owe him 300 dollars?
Federal Credit Union, 2nd Avenue and Chestnut Street
Louisville, Kentucky
