Associate: Thank you for calling the Houston gonorrhea. Can I help you?
Houston, Texas
Associate: Thank you for calling the Houston gonorrhea. Can I help you?
Houston, Texas
Coworker #1: I pooped in my pants once. But I was in pre-k. I was lying down at naptime, and then all of a sudden, I felt it come out, and I started crying.
Coworker #2: I peed in my pants once. At work.
Broadway & Canal
New York City, New York
Overheard by: office peon
Mom to son: Once again, she wasn’t stabbing you!
Exiting Doctor’s Office
Campbell, California
Overheard by: Sami
Implementation person: I usually don’t get pregnant from moving into a new apartment.
Operations person: But that’s the first step, though.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
Proud grandmother to coworker: Look, here's the latest picture of my granddaughter! She's four now!
Coworker: She is so cute! I see she still has that unibrow thing going on. Will she have it lasered off?
Proud grandmother: Maybe. But she is growing into it.
Irvine, California
Employee #1 to boss: Oh, what the fuck?! It smells like shit up there!
Boss, laughing: You farted!
Employee #1: No, I did not!
Employee #2: Duuude! Some kid just shit on the carpet!
Boss: No! Shut the fuck up!
Employee #1: Oh, come on! Two months ago some kid pissed on the carpet, and now we got some fucker who shit on the carpet?!
Employee #1: He really shat?
Employee #2: He had diarrhea or something.
Los Angeles, California
Summer worker #1: I think I smoke too much weed.
Summer worker #2: Yeah… But at least you won’t get glaucoma.
Summer worker #3: What’s glaucoma?
Summer worker #1: It’s an eye disease. Maybe you should smoke more so you don’t get it.
Summer worker #3: But what about lung cancer?
Summer worker #2: Look, would you rather see or breathe?!
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Guy at conference table: Kimchi gives you stomach cancer.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Worrying about the Korean Peninsula
Social worker: So I gave the kid my copy of the DSM so he could diagnose his dog, and when he brought the book back he asked me for some porn. I thought the book was a good starting point so he could help his dog, but I don’t know about the porn. He is only 17.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
Architect on phone: Alright, you’re not understanding me. [pause] Okay, what if I keep this one, but eat the other one… Look, I just need to know can I get any diseases or bacteria from these kittens or what?
2020 South King Street
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: crackin up
