Health & Hygiene

Is It Arrr-Rated?

Young cutie receptionist: Oh, fun, we get to dress up in costumes.
HR clerk: What are you talking about?
Young cutie receptionist: Well, if Andy can be at work dressed as a pirate, I should be able to wear a my kitten costume.
HR clerk: Andy got a metal filing in his eye. He went to the doctor and his eye is bandaged. Andy is not dressed as a pirate!
Young cutie receptionist: Does that mean the only way I can get to wear my kitten costume is if a doctor puts it on me?

Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

Sorry About the Potted Plant in the Office, by the Way.

Coworker, on voicemail: It started yesterday before I left work, but it just got worse and I spent all night on the toilet. Well, on and off the toilet, it was coming out of both ends if you know what I mean. Anyway, I'll spare you the gory details. Suffice it to say I'm going to be working from home today. I need to lie back and relieve some of this pressure in my abdomen.

Denver, Colorado

Wait! We Didn't Even Tell You About the Smell.

Boss to peon eating lunch: So my daughter finally pooped today. It's been at least a few days.
Peon #1, trying to ignore him: Wow. Cool.
Boss: Yeah, it wasn't anything huge like the one a few days ago, but at least she's pooping.
Peon #2: That's great to hear. My poor daughter has been at home with explosive diarrhea all week.
Peon #1: (tosses barely eaten lunch in the garbage and wordlessly walks away)

Sacramento, California

After Fifty, People Start Encouraging You to Die

Clerk lady #1: Oh, thank you for bringing that up, you reminded me I have to go get my license renewed on my way home today.
Clerk lady #2: You can't just mail it in?
Clerk lady #1: Well I have to actually go in because I have to take an eye test because it's been ten years.
Clerk lady #3: Oh…you sure it's not because you're over 50?
Clerk lady #1: Fuck you.

Yaphank, New York

Overheard by: Junior

Living in Michigan's Already a Form Of Child Abuse

Crazy coworker: If my kid pooped in the closet, I'd rub his nose in it. “No! Bad!”
Sane female coworker: Your kids are going to be taken away by the state.
Sane male coworker: There's not even a question.

Grand Rapids, Michigan

Overheard by: Playtah

Well, You Can Fix It, but You Can't Fix Fix It

Evil woman: So I heard this question on the radio this morning: would you rather be fat and someone think you're pregnant, or someone think you are a prostitute? That's just retarded, because you can fix pregnant…and fat. You can't fix prostitute.

St Louis, Missouri

An Office With No Gay People Is Like an Aquarium With No Fish

Resident office gay guy: I cant wait until I am pregnant.

Los Angeles, California

Speaking Of Which, Here Are Those Cupcakes You Wanted Me to Frost

Female cube dweller #1; I just got back from the bathroom, I had to do three things.
Female cube dweller #2; Ummmm…

New York City, New York

Maybe They'll Also Resolve Whether I'm Pregnant or Just Getting Chubby

Slutty coworker #1: Yeah, I was thinking about signing up for the office blood drive.
Slutty coworker #2: Really? That's nice of you! They need a lot of blood right now.
Slutty coworker #1: Yeah, I guess. I heard they test your blood for like STDs and stuff before they use it. I haven't gotten checked in awhile,so I figure, why not?

Memphis, Tennessee

Overheard by: wow thats classy

Lavagirl Never Got Over the Breakup With Sharkboy

Office worker #1, mourning: So when he went to bed, the tumor moved, causing him to die in his sleep.
Office worker #2, in sympathy: Aw, that's sad. Well, at least he died in his sleep. That's the best way to go.
Office worker #3: I want to be eaten by sharks.

Dublin, Ohio

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