General Idiocy

Nobody Who Says ‘Languish’ Would Ever Get Promoted in the US

Boss: So, I have a problem with giving you the job, even though I know you can do it.
Worker: What’s the issue?
Boss: You seem to be annoyed with us, and you’re not upbeat enough after what happened.
Worker: What happened is that I lived the values, delivered on everything, then the organization totally screwed me over, gave my job to someone else, and left me to languish for a year with no certainty about my future. Now you’re saying you can’t give me another job because you’ve been such dickheads?
Boss: I know it sounds bad.

388 George Street
Sydney, Australia

Get This Man a Job at Starbucks!

Math genius on the phone: It doesn’t really matter to me. It’s, like, 12 of one or half a dozen of the other.

333 2nd Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: Over-qualified, obviously

Maybe ‘Shape It Up’ Might Have Been More Appropriate

Employee: Can I help you find something?
Female customer: No…Actually, yes. I can’t find any CDs by Devo.
Employee: Hm. What genre?
Girl: I would say rock, but…
Employee: D-I-V-O?
Girl: No, D-E-V-O.
Employee: That sounds really familiar. Let me go take a look. [Starts to turn]Girl: Yeah, “Whip it!” [Makes whip crack motion]

Employee looks hurt and oblivious as he walks away.

1515 West Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas

NewsFlash: Truce Ending 100 Years’ War Shattered!

Telephone customer: Hi, I need to find the international rates for calling to France.
Local phone operator: France? That’s in England, right?

55 Water Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: disbelief

He’s Still Using a Sundial

Boss: Call England and find out what time it is.
Assistant: Call who in England? England is 5 hours ahead of us, so it’s 4:17 there.
Boss: Can you please listen to what I have to say and just call England? I need to be sure.
Assistant, two minutes later: I called England, and it’s 4:19.
Boss: See, it pays to double check. You were 2 minutes off.

1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York

I Can’t Answer That Until You Tell Me If You’re Speaking English or Canadian

Executive assistant: Ooohh! Are you speaking Spanish or Mexican?

Hull, Quebec

Epitaph: ‘Six Feet, Seven Inches’

Teen #1: How far do you think this sweat drop will fly if I smack it with a hammer?
Teen #2: Hey, yeah, like CSI! Your forehead is real sweaty; smack it first.

Habitat for Humanity build site
Mississippi Gulf Coast

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

Yet Probably Just as Accurate

Receptionist: Hello, Ruddman* Media International…Excuse me? A heat index? I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about…Ruddman Media International…No, no this is not the weather channel.

3 Park Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Why do I work here?

The Big Hand Is on the Dumbass

Co-Worker #1: Are you going to the training class later today?
Co-Worker #2: No, I don’t have to. I was grandfather clocked into the old training.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Just Another Typical Day Here at the Department of Redundancy Department

Manager: What was the soup de jour of the day today?

Sterling Forest Road
Sterling Forest, New York

Overheard by: Mark D.

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