Guy #1: So, my daughter tells me she wants to get her tongue pierced, and I told her there was no way in hell I would let her fuck up her teeth after all of the money we spent with those braces straightening up her teeth. And after I said that she actually understood where I was coming from.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah. Now she wants to get her nipples pierced.
Government office
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: b-chomp
Consultant #1 (reading online purity test): Have you ever slept with a relative?
Consultant #2: Define “relative.”
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
Clerk to another, seeing woman walk in with screaming baby: A coat hanger could have fixed that problem.
Fergus
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: weenie
Cube dweller #1: Man, my daughter got the worst ear infection last night and wouldn't stop screaming.
Cube dweller #2: Wow, that's horrible, what did you do?
Cube dweller #1: My wife wanted me to take her to the emergency room but I said, “are you crazy? I just smoked three bowls and am buzzing hard!”
Cube dweller #3: Someone please make him stop.
West Palm Beach, Florida
Boss man: We need a lawyer to handle this. If it were 5 years ago, I’d call my brother. He was the one of the best lawyers in the country, but he can’t help me anymore because he’s been disbarred.
Midtown
New York, New York
Receptionist to coworker: My whiney-ass husband was complaining that he slit his hand open.
Portsmouth, New Hampshire
Old hen: My granddaughter wants to ride on a fire truck in the parade, who should I call?
Fire dept. rep: We don't do that anymore, because of the liability.
Old hen: What liability?
Fire dept. rep: Some silly kid will be jumping around all excited and fall off the truck and break their head, and then the parents will sue us for a zillion dollars.
Old hen: Well, not if it was the kid's fault, they wouldn't.
Fire dept. rep: What cartoon planet are you from, exactly?
Oregon
Overheard by: b-mac
Employee #1: Thanks for the coffee. You didn’t pee in it or anything, right?
Employee #2: Oh my god, you are like my freaking wife!
101 15th Street
San Francisco, California
Laura: I guess a part of me could maybe like a baby.
Steph: Not a big part!
Laura: Well, no shit!
Steph: I guess it could be kinda fun…to have someone to take shopping and spank and stuff.
Laura: What a good reason to have a baby–to have someone to spank. Thinking about this gives me anxiety.
Steph: I know, I can't breathe.
Tallahassee, Florida
