Programmer #1: Never trust a fuckin' midget.
Programmer #2: Oh, yeah? Well, never trust a fuckin' fag who's sworn off fuckin'.
Memphis, Tennessee
Programmer #1: Never trust a fuckin' midget.
Programmer #2: Oh, yeah? Well, never trust a fuckin' fag who's sworn off fuckin'.
Memphis, Tennessee
26-year-old virgin to cubicle neighbor: So, my windshield has been leaking all around the edge, like that rubber seal thing is cracked.
Coworker, loud enough for whole office to hear: You just need some caulk! (pause) Both kinds…
Sea-Tac, Washington
Boss to peon: I think you should be in charge of figuring this out so we can blame you if it all blows up.
Peon: I'm not really comfortable with that approach.
Boss: I think you should learn to work with a lesser degree of comfort.
Washington, DC
Director on phone with client: You need to complete a survey to assess your facility's readiness for the next stage of this project. Just don't think your answers will have any impact on the final decision.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
Employee #1, trying to put flash drive in front USB port: It won't fit.
Employee #2: That's what she said.
Employee #1: Seriously, it's too big!
Employee #2: That's what she said!
Employee #3: Well, try it in the back.
Employee #2: That's what she said!
Employee #1: It's in!
Employee #2: That's what she said!
Employees #1 & #3: Shut up, Dave*!
Port Orchard, Washington
Co-manager to another, during Christmas party: You can't keep on screaming “I need this, I need this” as you pin an employee to your lap!
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Zen
Female office worker to pregnant coworker: His mother said we should wait until we're older to have kids, but she's old. She's 40. I told her that we're 23 and 24. We're of child-bearing age. We're supposed to be having children.
Fleet Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Building super: Never ride the warlock's steed.
Vancouver
Canadia
Peon #1: Stella*, Jack* wants to know if you can come into his office.
Stella*: Sure.
Peon #2: Dun… Dun… Dun…
Peon #3: Just don't close the door.
Peon #1: And don't close your eyes.
Peon #2: And don't put anything in your mouth.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: extremely good advice
Office manager during staff meeting: Children should wash their hands for as long as it takes them to sing the ABCs. For adults, it's Bohemian Rhapsody.
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Lady L
