Customer: I don’t understand why you can’t keep up with production.
Program manager: You aren’t following the rules. You are running twice the daily quoted volumes.
Customer: But we are still under the yearly volumes. You just need to plan better.
Program manager: I can’t just shit capacity out of my ass!
5540 Parque Industrial
Ciudad Juarez, Mexico
Boss of technology dept: The speaker on my phone doesn't work.
Employee: Why don't you switch it with the one in the conference room?
Boss: But then I won't have the same phone number.
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: i need a cocktail
Female coworker: Can you lend me a screwdriver so I can put this hook on the door?
IT dude: Do you know what you're doing with that?
Female coworker: Are you kidding? I've got a degree in screwing!
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Steph
Co-worker #1: Did you hear about that audition?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: You didn’t get that email?
Co-worker #2: No. My email must be broken.
Co-worker #1: What else haven’t you gotten?
Co-worker #2: Well, if my email is broken, how could I possibly know that?
270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
Worker #1: I think there must be something wrong with this phone.
Worker #2: Why?
Worker #1: Every day I check it here and it always goes out at the same time and I can’t get a signal
Worker #2: Do you always use it in the bathroom?
Worker #1: Yeah, I don’t understand why every day at the same it doesn’t work.
Worker #2: Why don’t you take it outside?
He goes outside the bathroom for a couple of minutes and comes back in.
Worker #1: See? I come back in and it’s not working.
Boss in stall: You’re surrounded by two feet of concrete in every direction! The signal can’t penetrate!
2011 Mahone Avenue
Fort Lee Virginia
Overheard by: badford
Programmer: Oh, thank god! My replacement iPhone. Not having it is like having my arm cut off. (looking at courier, he notices he has a stub instead of his right arm. Embarrassed, he signs for it and tries to hand stylus back to courier's stub. The courier leaves without saying anything)
Programmer: I want to go home now.
Brisbane
Australia
Overheard by: Chris
Manager #1: Are you sure you don’t need anything more? We’ve got the extra money to spend.
Manager #2: Haven’t you heard? I’m cheap and easy. It doesn’t take much to please me.
Peon: That’s what I read on the intranet last week.
5442 Martway Street
Mission, Kansas
Overheard by: Office Gnome
Manager: Can you spell my email address?
IT guy: It’s your name!
Manager: I know, but could you spell it for me?
1979 Marcus Avenue
Lake Success, New York
Overheard by: Why am I the temp again?!?
Voicemail: Hello, this is Joe* from engineering, I’m having a problem with my computer, and was told you could help me out. It appears that there is a problem with my fixed dick…er, ficked disk, fisk dick.
[pause]
FIXED DISK…..
4747 Harrison Avenue
Rockford, Illinois
Boss, sitting at peon's desk: This chair is not ergonomically correct.
Peon: You're not ergonomically correct.
Des Moines, Iowa
