Office guy: It's for the masonic center, don't fuck it up.
Office girl: Yeah, I hear they will cut a bitch.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Woman on phone: No, he just goes with the flow. And she is his flow.
323 East Grand River
Howell, Michigan
There is this guy a few cubicles over from me. I do not know what he does, but he is always on the phone. I’ve actually started keeping a spreadsheet of some of the things I’ve overheard him say. Some of the best: You can ask yourself that question all day long, but I’m not going to waste any more of my time helping you figure it out.
You don’t have to think for me, I will do the thinking for you.
You work in IT and I work in marketing, so don’t tell me!
Give me your thirty second soapbox spiel and when you are done maybe we can get down to business and get this figured out.
1411 Kingsbury Drive
Portage, Michigan
General manager: Did Jimmy* clean the wall in the bathroom?
Business manager: Yeah. Who put boogers on the wall, anyway?
Main Street
Saginaw, Michigan
Coworker #1: So I was talking to my friend on the phone, and there was a snake in his room! I would have snapped it in half! I would’ve come after it with a pair of hedge clippers.
Coworker #2: It wouldn’t so much snap as it would snip.
405 Main Street
Milford, Michigan
Overheard by: John M.
Boss, during full staff meeting: So I asked him, “why does a person need semen to mow the lawn?”
Underling, quietly, to no one in particular: Does she know that's a double entendre?
Presenter, loudly: So back to the operating budget…
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: No you did not
Postal employee: I'm about ready to eat the butthole of a cow.
Post Office
Michigan
Tech #1: So, my friend is going to ask his girlfriend to marry him, and he wants to secretly get her ring size.
Tech #2: Measure her finger while she’s asleep.
Tech #1: What if she doesn’t sleep very soundly? What if she wakes up and is like, ‘What’s this thing on my finger?’
Tech #2: Get her really hammered.
Tech #1: She doesn’t really drink…
Tech #3: Then just hammer her!
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: only girl in the office
Red-faced manager: Frozen again! God fucking dammit! Jesus fucking Christ! I'm getting really fucking pissed off at this motherfucking computer!
Nonchalant passerby: Kick it, then.
Plymouth, Michigan
