What Exactly Constitutes “Smearing”?

Associate to customer on phone about beef recall: We are only recalling meat with the dates April 28th through June 6th on it.
Customer: Well, mine is dated June 23rd. Can I eat it?
Associate: Yes, ma'am. That's not in our recall dates.
Customer: Are you sure it's safe?
Associate: Yes ma'am. That meat wasn't part of the recall.
Customer: What were the dates again?
Associate: April 28th to June 6th.
Customer: So, I won't die?
Associate: Ma'am, unless you plan on smearing it on a pig and eating it raw, you are going to be fine.

Yarmouth, Maine

Posted on August 14, 2015
Animals, Customers, Death, Employees, Health & Hygiene, Maine, Meals and Snacks, On the phone, Questions, Time Management

As We Said They Should, Dear Reader

Tom*, reading newspaper: Archie Comics introduces first gay character.
Mike*: They're taking over the world!
Tom*: Archie comics?
Mike*, whispering: No, the gays.

Portland, Maine

Posted on July 25, 2015
Friends, General Idiocy, Maine, Pop culture, Sexuality

Has Someone Alerted 60 Minutes?

Genius: Sometimes the staples are just hanging there, and someone could get hurt.

68 Marginal Way
Portland, Maine

Posted on June 25, 2015
Dumb Employees, General Idiocy, Gripes, Health & Hygiene, Maine

I Don't Care That It's Humpday!

Agitated coworker with rage issues: Please don't mount my cube!

Old Port
Porland, Maine

Posted on June 17, 2015
Anger management, Coworkers, Cubicles, Maine, Offers and requests

Requiring a Constant Airflow Across Her Cooling Fins

Lady #1: Yeah, so I saw Evie* over at the courthouse, and she yells at me, ‘Yo, girl, you wearin’ panties?’ And so I say back, ‘Yeah, I sho’ am!’ Her mother gets right up and tells me she ain’t wearin’ any panties.
Lady #2: Haha. Why she at court?
Lady #1: Some probation thing.

1340 Forest Avenue
Portland, Maine

Overheard by: Reggie Queen

Posted on June 13, 2015
Friends, Gossip, Maine

9AM Client Call

VP Research on phone: Look, I understand you think your project numbers are important, but we have data to suggest you don’t need to know them.

85 E Street
South Portland, Maine

Overheard by: Brian Brinegar

Posted on June 7, 2015
Executives, General Idiocy, Maine, Nerds and Geeks, On the phone

12PM Catch Up on Paperwork

Service Manager: Really, you have to stop bring these back to me.
Office chick: No, you just need to do them right in the first place.

215 US Route 1
Falmouth, Maine

Posted on May 31, 2015
Advice, Bosses and Underlings, Maine, Office Politics

It's Renée Zellweger.

Secretary: This looks like a tiny dead bird.
Director: But it's not one, that's the important part.

University of Maine
Orono, Maine

Posted on May 4, 2015
Admins, Animals, Bosses, Compare and contrast, Death, Maine

Um, Actually…

Manager: So there was this one time I spent $600 on snack foods.
Clerk #1: What?
Manager: Yeah, my friend and I went to the grocery store and bought a ton of food, but we also decided to bring along his cat in a backpack, and then we let him out in the store because we figured he was old and wouldn't escape…but he did. We lost him in the store, and then we left.
Clerk #2: You just left the cat behind?!
Manager: There's no stopping the Frito Bandito.

Maine Mall
Portland, Maine

Posted on March 29, 2015
Animals, Bosses, Employees, Maine, Meals and Snacks, Money, Questions, TV, Weirdness

Wait, If I Just Lock Him in an Empty Room with Some Dog Food in a Bag, I Could Get That New ‘Vette!

Mom, pointing to friend’s child: Say ‘Hello’ to Aidan*.
Shy child hiding face in mom’s leg: ‘Lo.
Mom: If you can’t look at him and ‘Hello’ properly then you can’t have swimming lessons. There, I just saved a hundred and fifty dollars!

145 Harlow Street
Bangor, Maine

Overheard by: Kelly

Posted on March 19, 2015
Family members, Insults, Kids, Maine, Money, Offers and requests, Sports, Threats