Can’t Wait ‘Til He Puts on the Darth Vader Mask and Tells the Baby He’s Her Father

Woman #1: Hey! Look at you! I didn’t know you were back from maternity leave.
Woman #2: Yeah, I just came back yesterday.
Woman #1: I saw the pictures you emailed. She’s adorable. I remember you were worried about labor. How’d it go?
Woman #2: Not too bad, actually. Kind of what I expected. Although I punched my husband and threatened divorce during the worst of it.
Woman #1: Are you serious? What did he do?
Woman #2: Right when my contractions were about two minutes apart, he got nervous and attempted to distract me. So he kept making that ooohbah, ooohbah noise that those robot things made in Revenge of the Sith.
Woman #1: Omigod! I know what you’re talking about. What a jerk! That’s so funny, though.
Woman #2: Yeah, I know. We laugh about it now. But at the time I punched him in the stomach and called him a bastard. I told him if he opened his mouth again even to cough, we were getting a divorce. Poor guy wouldn’t even talk to the nurses after that.

777 Eisenhower Parkway
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Posted on April 27, 2020
Arts, Coworkers, General Idiocy, Insults, Michigan, Relationships, Threats, Violence

But the Hottest One of Those in the Office

Biotech peon: Someone should tell her that dress makes her look like a 90-year-old Hawaiian woman. A blind, drunk 90-year-old Hawaiian woman.

York Road
Elmhurst, Illinois

Posted on April 20, 2020
Employees, Illinois, Insults

2PM Client Meeting

Lawyer on phone: I don’t care what you want to do, just file the fucking report! Shut the fuck up and file the fucking thing!
Client: Yikes.
Secretary: He’s yelling at his other secretary.
Client: …Yeah, but–
Lawyer: I said file the fucking thing!
Secretary: It’s okay. She’s also his wife.

430 West First Street
New Albany, Indiana

Posted on April 11, 2020
Customers, Family, General Idiocy, Indiana, Insults, On the phone, Receptionists

I Had No Idea Being Normal Would Be Hard

Part time girl: Isn't it illegal to work five days in a row?
Coworker: That's what normal people do.
Part time girl: Oh…that sucks.

Sacramento, California

Overheard by: Nicole

Posted on April 10, 2020
California, Coworkers, Crimes, Insults, Questions, Time Management

2PM Print Termination Letter

Boss: You know what my problem is? I’m too nice a guy. I fired [Lenore] this morning. I should’ve kept her on till the end of the day, but then I would’ve felt like I was using her. I’m an idiot.
Salesperson: That’s two problems.

40 Shuman Boulevard
Naperville, Illinois

Posted on February 23, 2020
Comebacks, Dumb Bosses, Gripes, Hiring & Firing, Illinois, Insults, Questions, Sales

10AM Work on Prints

Engineer: How much longer will you be using those prints?
Safety Manager: Five minutes.
Engineer: What if I borrow them for three minutes and then give them back to you?
Safety Manager: I’d say yes, but you won’t give them back in three minutes. So, no, you can’t borrow them.
Engineer: You’re so much like your dad, it’s not even funny.

186 Gilman Avenue
Campbell, California

Overheard by: Shannon

Posted on January 30, 2020
Bosses, California, Comebacks, Engineers, Gripes, Insults, Offers and requests, Time Management

11AM Damage Control

Co-worker on phone: I’m sorry, can you say that again?…I’m sorry…I’m having some trouble understanding what you’re trying to say…Why don’t you have your boss call me and we can get this straightened out?

Hangs up.

Co-worker: Just go back to your motherfucking country…Christ.

839 Marshall Phelps Road
Windsor, Connecticut

Overheard by: Douchey Douchelton