Lab tech: He needs to retake the drug screening.
Nurse: Why? He said he was ready to give a urine sample.
Lab tech: Well… How do I put this delicately? He did give us *a* sample… Just not the kind we needed.
Nurse: Wait, you mean… he… Oh my god! How the hell did he poop in that cup? I am impressed!
Lab tech: Yea, I kinda am to.
Hospital
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Workin’ here for the insurance
Co-worker: You know, you should stay home when you’re sick. You ruined my whole weekend.
Sick co-worker: [Laughs.]Co-worker, enraged: I’m not kidding! You ruined my whole weekend! Stay home next time, damnit!
Jefferson Road
Cookeville, Tennessee
Guy in stairway: Smell this and tell me I don’t have a problem.
Plymouth, Pennsylvania
Girl: He broke his hand in a fit of gay!
Washington, DC
Nurse assistant to patient: Do you want corn, carrots, or peas?
Patient: Cake.
Nurse assistant: Cake isn’t a vegetable. What would you like to drink?
Patient: Cookies.
Nurse assistant: You can’t drink cookies.
St. John Hospital
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: I was laughing
40-year-old woman to co-worker: I didn’t know alcohol had a relaxing effect.
Scripps Poway Parkway
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Mike
Sales rep: I’ve been trying to get them to cut off my leg to the knee. All you got to do is polish it once a month!
Northpoint
San Francisco, California
Patient: Help! Help me! Someone!
Patient’s tech, upon entering room: Sir! Sir, what are you yelling for?
Patient: Sanity!
Bowling Green, Kentucky
Analyst #1: I tried working out last night.
Analyst #2: How much did you lift?
Analyst #1: I had 225 on the bar.
Analyst #2: Did you get it up?
Analyst #1: Nah, I chickened out.
Cookeville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Diddy
Co-worker on phone: Yeah, she was really sick. She was vomiting, and throwing up, and barfing, and everything else.
Washington Street
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: KC
