VP on phone: What are you doing? (silence) Sounds like you’re taking a shit.
Springfield, Massachusetts
VP on phone: What are you doing? (silence) Sounds like you’re taking a shit.
Springfield, Massachusetts
Sales exec, hurrying to the bathroom: Wish me luck with this one, I’m gonna need it!
Queensbury, New York
Senior VP, flipping through Rolodex: I am just removing the ones that are dead.
Employee: [silent look of horror]Senior VP: Oh, there are only three!
Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lisa
President: In the process of moving our data center across the Atlantic, we have eliminated the Director of Operations position. We will not be refilling it.
Ops member: Are we downsizing?
President: Well, we are down one.
Spear Street
San Francisco, California
Bank president: Lemme tell you something. There’s five key elements to running a company… now what the hell were they?
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
Employee #1: Where does our CEO go? He randomly disappears for days.
Employee #2: He goes to CEO mountain, where all the CEOs stand around and circle jerk.
[CEO walks in minutes later.]Employee #1: Hey Ben*, where were you? CEO mountain?
CEO: [Laughs.] Yeah, CEO mountain.
Employee #2: What do you guys do up there?
CEO: We all stand around and talk about our truculent staff.
Cambridge, Massachusetts
VP: I can’t understand some people. I emailed *Karen with a specific question and she just replied, “I am currently out of the office and will return in one week”. Why didn’t she answer my question?
Beachwood, Ohio
CFO: So what will it be like? Should I be the sheep and you the one who drags me around? Oh, here’s the check.
New York City, New York
Overheard by: just waiting for a check
CEO: I have come up with the solution for the conflict between Israel and Palestine.
Employee: Yeah? What is it?
CEO: The US takes a part of Montana near the Canadian border where no American wants to live and donates it to the Jews. They can all move there and set up their own new Israel there, and all the fighting can stop.
Employee, chuckling, then pausing: … Wait, are you serious? I don’t think that would work.
CEO: Why not?
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: poj
Executive VP: We have to eat our own children before someone else does.
Quarterly review conference call
Virginia
Overheard by: He who has given up eating human flesh, mostly
