Sexuality

There’s Nothing That Can’t Be Accomplished Through Sex and Dishonesty

Coed #1: He had told me not to do anything special for his birthday. He said to forget he was having a birthday at all. But then he came over, and I could tell that he was down.
Coed #2: Because it was his birthday, and he was thirty.
Coed #1: Yeah.
Coed #2: And he’s dating an eighteen-year-old.
Coed #1: Shut up. So then we had sex? And it wasn’t, like, the most amazing time, but I faked it. But, like, really over the top? And he was happy the rest of the day!

University & College Avenues
Tempe, Arizona

Overheard by: over 30

One-Handed, Too

Customer: I know it sounds like my husband drinks too much, but he really doesn’t.
Alcohol-company CSR: Hey, I talk about alcohol all day long. You can’t shock me.
Customer: Well, I write erotica, so I talk about sex all day long!
Alcohol-company CSR: Really?
Customer: Yeah. I just turned in my manuscript today, but it was three weeks late. I keep telling my editor, “I don’t write smut on demand!” But I write very good smut.

800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: Easily Entertained

Too Bad It’s Another Part That Got the Clap

Girl #1: My boyfriend is in the pen.
Girl #2: For how long?
Girl #1: He’s been there for three years.
Girl #2: Wow! You’ve been faithful to him for three years?
Girl #1: My heart has been…

2720 Villa Prom
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Overheard by: FrancesDanger

Who Among Us Can Say They Haven’t Run That Search?

Employee #1: I don’t think she got fired.
Employee #2: Yeah, but when they cleaned out her computer they found the search terms “anal, Ann Coulter” quite frequently.

18 Passaic Avenue
Fairfield, New Jersey

Overheard by: thanks for blocking aim, douchebags

Rob Schneider? Is That You?

Customer: Can you draw something on the cake for me?
Employee: Sure, what do you want on it?
Customer: A dick.
Employee: I can do you one better. We’ve got these chocolate-covered bananas, and chocolate-covered cookie dough balls. I can put an edible, chocolate-covered dick and balls on your cake.
Customer: Fucking awesome!
Manager, walking in: Uh, what are you doing?
Employee: Making a dick cake.
Manager: Woo! Makin’ a dick cake!

Ben & Jerry’s, East Village
New York, New York

Overheard by: Sam

…But I’ve Got to Pay the Coke Bill, So Gimme $50, and We’ll Snuggle

Supervisor: So I said to my son, “You want me to cuddle with you?” And he said, “No, Daddy, I’ve already slept with enough people today.”

473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey

Overheard by: office peon

And He Won’t Be. Until the Next Time.

Co-Worker, whispering on phone: And I know I’ve said this before, but I will never be naked in the file room again…

2811 Wilshire Boulevard
Santa Monica, California

It’s Important For Friends to Do Things Together, Don’t You Think?

Co-Worker on phone: So I was throwing up in the bathroom, and my three best friends were having sex in the stall next to me.

1601 Cloverfield Boulevard
Santa Monica, California

This Is Making Me Hungry

Guy #1: Who was Chief then?
Guy #2: According to the record, Dick Eaton.
Guy #3: Wait. Dick Eaton? So if he were filling out a form today, last name first, he’d be…
Guy #1: You’re right! Case closed, that says it all!

26 Federal Plaza
New York, New York

Overheard by: R. Smith

Before I Put It in Mothballs For the Summer

Warehouse worker: You look nice today. You going somewhere after this?
Girl in dress: No, I just wanted to air out my vagina.

Emeryville, California

Overheard by: warehouse peon

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