Visiting nurse: Good morning! How are you?
Confused 93-year-old: Well, aren't you a happy little mountain troll!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Apathetic nurse: Yeah, we've got one more patient and he's back there playing.
Jealous nurse: What? Who's he playing with?
Apathetic nurse: What are you talking about?
Jealous nurse: What are you talking about?
Apathetic nurse: Ping pong.
Jealous nurse: Oh. I thought you meant something else.
Apathetic nurse: No.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Nurse: Okay, so, she's dyin'?
Doctor: I guess.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Nurse #1: Man, I really like speed.
Nurse #2: This from the girl with “registered nurse” on her badge.
Nurse #1: Just shut up and deal.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Night Nurse
Urologist: Can we do a time-out, please?
Nurse: Mr. Henderson* is here for a cystoscopy. You've seen this patient before.
Urologist: I've never heard of him. (uncovers the field) Hmmmm. I don't remember the patient's name, but I have seen this penis before.
Hospital, Virginia
Overheard by: CJ Wiretap
Nurse: Do you smoke?
Older man: No.
Nurse: Have you ever smoked?
Older man: Yes.
Nurse: And how many cigarettes a day did you smoke?
Older man: Uh, three. No, five. A pack.
Nurse: And when did you quit?
Older man: Uh, yesterday.
Nurse: You're still smoking, aren't you?
Older man: Yes.
Hospital
Harlem, New York
Overheard by: Natalie
Nurse: It didn’t hurt my tongue when they pierced it–just that first pop.
Tech: Ooooh, my asshole just puckered up!
Receptionist: Quit talking about tongues and assholes!
Front Desk, Medical Clinic
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: xrayguy
Lab tech: He needs to retake the drug screening.
Nurse: Why? He said he was ready to give a urine sample.
Lab tech: Well… How do I put this delicately? He did give us *a* sample… Just not the kind we needed.
Nurse: Wait, you mean… he… Oh my god! How the hell did he poop in that cup? I am impressed!
Lab tech: Yea, I kinda am to.
Hospital
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Workin’ here for the insurance
[Nurse #1 attempting to restrain combative patient in a dark room.]Nurse #2: You ah… Want me to turn the lights on?
Nurse #1: No, I tie people up in the dark all the time.
University Hospital
San Antonio, Texas
Nurse assistant to patient: Do you want corn, carrots, or peas?
Patient: Cake.
Nurse assistant: Cake isn’t a vegetable. What would you like to drink?
Patient: Cookies.
Nurse assistant: You can’t drink cookies.
St. John Hospital
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: I was laughing
