Medical

Eh, Whatever, He’ll Be Dead before He Can Complain

Nurse: The patient in Room 39* requested a visit from a Mormon priest.
Chaplain: Really? I’ll have to call one, give me a moment. [Opens notebook] Ah, here we go. [Dials phone, waits] Hi, this is Chaplain Smith* at the hospital. I’m calling about a patient who would like a visit from a Mormon clergy-person. I haven’t visited with the patient, so I don’t know if he is a member of your congregation, but he did specifically request a visit from a Mormon. Feel free to call me back at 555-3418* when you get this message. Thanks. [Hangs up] Well, I left a message on their voicemail. I wonder if the Jehovah’s Witnesses check their messages often.
Nurse: Jehovah’s Witnesses…?
Chaplain: Oh, shit! I called the wrong church!

10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Overheard by: another witness

But That Doughnut Looked So Good!

Nurse walks out to designated smoking area as her pager goes off.

Nurse, shaking her head in disgust: ‘Emergency!’ Of course. Why these people gotta be goin’ into diabetic shock when I wanna go outside? [Sits down to smoke cigarette.]

1031 SW Fleming Court
Topeka, Kansas

Overheard by: Jonna

Send in Jack Bauer!

Dad: Honey, where’s your teddy bear?
3-year-old girl: Oh, the terrorist are hiding him.

Overlake Hospital
Bellevue, Washington

Overheard by: Nurse says what

Lack of Motor Skills Is My Anti-Drug

Pediatrician to screaming addicted newborn: Oh, you poor thing, are you jonesin’ for some crack?

NICU
Jacksonville, Florida

But I Play One on TV

M.D. #1: Hey, look! They named their kid Babygirl!
M.D. #2: No way, that’s hilarious!
Janitor: Actually, it just means they haven’t named their child yet and that it’s a baby girl.
M.D. #1: Are you a doctor?
M.D. #2: I bet he’s not even a doctor.
Janitor: [walks away]

GroupHealth Cooperative
Lacey, Washington

Overheard by: lauren

This Is an Ex-Patient!

Receptionist: So we’re going to need to reschedule his appointment, then?
Nurse: No, Mary*, this patient has passed away.
Receptionist: Okay, so then I’ll call him in the morning?
Nurse: You don’t understand. He’s dead.
Receptionist: Well, Dr. Smith* has a slot open for Monday…
Nurse: He’s dead.

Providence Hospital, 5th Street and Colby Avenue
Everett, Washington

A Friend Would Lie to Me

Receptionist: I feel like I look like I just rolled out of bed and came into work.
Dental assistant: Well…did you?
Receptionist: Well, yeah…but still!

Centennial, Colorado

Her Poop?

Nurse #1: I love poop!
Nurse #2 to everyone: She's losing it!

Hospital
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Lauren

Only the Ones With Hearing Aids

Two nursing assistants were feeding old men at the home.

Nursing assistant #1: Wow, you’re a really awesome chewer.
Nursing assistant #2: I bet you say that to all the guys.

694 Isaac Prugh Way
Kettering, Ohio

Patient: Hey! It’s Damn Cold in This Paper Gown

Physician: What can you tell me about this X-ray?
Student: It’s a male pelvis with two fractures.
Physician: It’s shaped like a male pelvis, but it’s not.
Student: How can you tell?
Physician: The lack of a penis outline on the X-ray helps.

Emergency Room, University of Kansas Hospital
Kansas City, Kansas

Overheard by: Stifling the Laugh

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