Meals and Snacks

Don’t Even Be Eatin’ That Yogurt in Front of Me

Boss: There’s pizza in the back room for everyone in appreciation of your hard work!
Employee #1: Hey, Jen*, can you save me a slice? I can’t leave my desk right now.
Employee #2: Sure, I’ll bring two back. There should be enough for two slices per person.
Employee #3: You know, I work harder than the rest of you all combined; therefore, I should get the most fuckin’ pizza. Does anyone else here work as hard as me? I don’t fuckin’ think so. So that means that I get more pizza. I don’t want to see anyone eating more fuckin’ pizza than me.
Employee #2: So, Meredith*, what kind of pizza did you want?
Employee #1: Um, I think I’ll just… stick with my yogurt… Thanks.

570 Worcester Road
Framingham, Massachusetts

This Is Why I Work from Home.

Manager to coworker in next office: Why does it smell like rotten meat in here?
Coworker: Oh, sorry. I'll put my shoes back on.

Chicago, Illinois

And Sing Polly Wolly Doodle All the Day

Boss: I need to leave work before I get too drunk!

1819 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia

12PM Lunch

Employee: Oh, I’ve had their Mandarin Chicken Salad, but I didn’t like it. Then again, I don’t like Mandarins.

711 Third Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Lolito

1PM Lunch

Co-worker on phone: Well, when I asked you over for lunch I asked if there was something you didn’t eat besides cheese…Well I’m just saying you should have told me you didn’t eat pork when I asked…Yes, I know you’re Jewish…Well whatever you are, you’re an idiot and a liar. You should have told me about the pork…Ew, she’s your first cousin.

622 3rd Avenue
New York, NY

Company Slogan: We Turn Good Things Into Bad Things

Employee #1: I love Chex Mix so much I'd grind it up, stick it in an IV and mainline it.
Employee #2: I…well… (pauses in thought) You couldn't *freebase* it…

Mesa, Arizona

Overheard by: Chris Cardinal

That's What You Said About the Middle Kid in Hanson!

Coworker, on phone, very authoritatively: No! The green m&m is the only woman! Nooooo!

Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: There's a wealth of information in my office

He Wore the Suit at Football Games

Male cube dweller: Hey, have you ever had armadillo meat?
Female cube dweller: Yeah, all the time! It’s awesome with onions!

Vancouver, Washington

Overheard by: Armadillo What…

It's What All the Olympic Athletes Are Doing These Days

Male employee #1, at lunch, peeling a banana: So, I'm doing a detox diet, where I eat only fruit for two weeks, and a bit of meat is introduced during the third. It's rough, but I'm actually starting to feel more sprightly.
Male employee #2: I say…it really works? I should try it. I'm knackered, and I'm getting a paunch. I'd like to detox that baby from my midriff.
(thin, lovely, female coworker, clutching mug of coffee, enters lunchroom)
Male employee #2: Sophie, what do you do to keep fit? Do you eat fruit at breakfast, perhaps?
Sophie, taking sip of coffee: I believe for breakfast I had beer and chocolate biscuits.

High Holborn
London
England

Overheard by: Mr Tickle

First Shellfish, and Now This.

Large lady: What's for lunch today?
Regular lady: Mushroom risotto.
Large lady: Oh, I can't have mushrooms–they make me horny and I ain't got no one to be horny with no more.

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Aghast

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