Meals and Snacks

Might Have Swallowed the Spring, the Way the Conversation’s Bouncing Around

Coworker #1: Well one time, I was eating here, and I found a piece of metal in my mouth! You know, a long thin piece. But bunched up. I chewed on it and it like exploded in my mouth. In my mouth! Can you believe it? It was all twisted or something. Coiled. Oh yeah. It was a spring! A spring! Anyway, I chewed on it and it like boinged in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait. Can you believe it? Boing, boing, boing! So I spit it out and look at it and think, ‘What the hell is this and what is it doing in my food?’ But really, can you believe it? Boinging all over the place!
Coworker #2: Ok. Enough already. You’re making me sick. It’s like having lunch with Roseanne Roseannadanna. Next you’ll be telling me about the time you found a toenail in your cheeseburger.
Coworker #1: Oh yeah. Wouldn’t that be great? Lunch with Roseanne. But she’s dead, you know. Cancer.
Coworker #2: Gilda Radner died of cancer.
Coworker #1: Who? Why are you always changing the subject?
Coworker #2: I’m eating at my desk.

1500 University Avenue
Madison University Hospital & Clinics Cafeteria
Madison, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Just lost my appetite

I’ll Eat What I Can and Take the Rest Home for Breakfast

Guy on the phone: Yeah, so I’ll just eat a light dinner and when we get there we can share a cowboy… Oh yeah, that sounds much better!

Tucson, AZ

Mainstreaming Dung-Beetle-Americans in the Public Schools May Have Been a Mistake

Teacher #1: I can’t teach this kid anymore.
Teacher #2: Why?
Teacher #1: He can’t keep his hands out of his pants.
Teacher #2: So?
Teacher #1: Look, do I have to spell it out? He doesn’t know the difference between shit and food.
Teacher #2: Oh my god, I’m gonna barf.
Teacher #1: Not around this kid. He might thinks it’s a snack.

3035 Desert Marigold Lane
Las Vegas, Nevada

Overheard by: don’t want to eat the food

Either That or a Pair of Pants

Maintenance tech #1: Animal Control is on the way to remove the dead skunk carcass. I’ll let you know when they get here.
Maintenance tech #2: Uh, go ahead and call them back and tell them not to come. We checked it out and it’s a used banana peel.
Maintenance tech #1: Ten-four.

6400 Legacy Drive
Plano, Texas

Overheard by: Shaking Head

This Explains Much About Tennessee

Mother: What are you going to have?
Daughter: Chicken nuggets and a Dr Pepper.
Mother: I’m not getting you a Dr Pepper. It’s not good for you.
Daughter: Fine. I’ll have a Coke.
Mother: That’s better.

McDonald’s
Tennessee

She Couldn’t Find the Container of White Powder

Blond barmaid: What’s in a whiskey and coke?

Pesto Café
Fayetteville, Arkansas

Overheard by: retired from the service industry

She Found Ways to Entertain Herself on Her Last Day at Work

Customer #1: Does the brownie pie have nuts on it?
Waitress: No.
Customer #2: Why do you want to know if it has nuts on it?
Customer #1: Because I don’t like nuts on my dessert.
Waitress: Do you like nuts on your chin?

Parkland Plaza
Cayce, South Carolina

Overheard by: Trying not to choke

You’re Probably Going to Arrive at Your Point Soon, but the Rest of Us Don’t Want to Be Here When You Do

Employee: My friend ate a penis once… but not in a sexual way. It was a Romanian specialty dish or something like that.

Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Overheard by: prefekt

He Means It’s Inauthentically Trying to Be Like Soup Without Actually Being Soup

Customer: Excuse me, miss!
Waitress: Yes, sir?
Customer: My soup is too soupy.
Waitress: Well, I’m sorry, sir, if your soup is too soupy, but it is soup.

Point Pleasant, New Jersey

Overheard by: he deserved it

Will Someone Please Buy This Nurse a Knockoff Prada Clutch or Something?

Nurse #1: Do you think it’s okay to eat this? It was in there with the specimen bag.
Nurse #2: Oh yeah, it’s fine.

Hospital
Providence, Rhode Island

Overheard by: jessie spano

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