Female employee, preparing for office happy hour: Do any of you have a bottle opener for the beer?
Male employee #1: He does.
Male employee #2: No, I don't.
Male employee #1: Yes you do, isn't there one on your belt buckle or key chain?
Male employee #2: Uhhh… No.
Male employee #1: Really? I'd swear that last time we did this, you took something out of your pants that did the job very well for her.
Kansas City, Missouri
Woman #1: What are you doing for New Year's?
Woman #2: I don't have any plans yet, what about you?
Woman #1: Probably just sit at home and drink some wine.
Woman #2: Yeah, I did that last year, and I accidentally got completely bombed in front of my son, so I'm not doing that again.
Manhattan, New York
Customer, in clown makeup on Halloween: I'm so drunk right now I don't even care about my big, green twat lips.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: intrigued
Coworker #1: So, if I bought a bottle of vodka…
Coworker #2: It's 9:25 am.
Manhattan, New York
Girl on phone: After work we can go out on the boat and drink. And the dogs can come. (pause) I know! Don't think I didn't get them a life jacket.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Work It.
CSR to another: I had a bad day at work the other day… I got a brain freeze from the margarita.
Greeley, Colorado
White guy #1: I got fired because I am a white male!
White guy #2: I might be going out on a limb here, but could the fact that you got drunk and threw a Japanese lantern into the front door of the hotel have anything to do with it?
White guy #1: No…it's because I am white!
Irving, Texas
Supervisor: He hasn't been coming to work because he is an alcoholic.
Coworker: I know what that feels like. Last week I was drinking for a while in my yard and I totally pissed my pants. I had to wash them.
San Diego, California
HR guy: Say your name again. (pause) Beerpong? Oooh, Bierpont! Riiight… spell that?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: The New Guy
New guy: What is everyone having to drink?
Older employee, trying to sound sophisticated: I think I'm going to go with a red wine. I heard the Merlot was good. I consider myself somewhat of a connoissaurus.
Office Retreat
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Overheard by: I didn't hire her.
