Advice

Cube rat on phone: Well, spray Garrett*, have him walk around for a while, and see if he comes back smelling the same.

Highway 69 South
Monroe, Wisconsin

Boss: You don’t need lubricants. That’s what diarrhea is for!

Kansas

Grunt: Just stick the turkey baster in there and suck it all out!

320 SW Stark Street
Portland, Oregon

Overheard by: Julie

Coworker on phone with QC guy: Um… You just hit the printer icon… What? Well, just type it on a Word document. Uh, you type, then hit that aforementioned printer icon… Okay, hold up. Let’s just start from square one, shall we? First, is your computer on this time? Okay, hit your start button, down there at the bottom of your screen. Uh, and don’t really hit it — just click, okay? Now click ‘All programs’… M-hmmm… Now click ‘Microsoft Office, and then ‘Microsoft Word.’ You get a pop-up on your computer about macros. Click the ‘X.’ [Sighs.] Well, give it a minute — you’ll have a pop-up. Very good. Yes, hit the ‘X.’ [After pause] Now you type — you know — typey-type-type-type? Then print. Right. No, if you don’t save it, then it won’t stay on your computer… What exactly are you typing and printing in there? … You know what? Never mind. It’s better if I just don’t know. [Hangs up, then speaks to self.] And I can’t ship anything without him checking the parts first… I have a good feeling in my belly now.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

Grunt #1: Don’t you need a coat?
Grunt #2: No.
Grunt #1: Are we going outside?
Grunt #2: Yes.
Grunt #1: Oh. Sorry. I guess I just turned into your mother.

10920 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

Male peon to female peon: Go get yourself a pair of underwear and rent a hotel room if that’s what you need…

555 5th Avenue
New York, New York

Boss: Look, I don’t care if you use the loft, but if you get butt-ass freaky, just change the sheets.

Bonner Springs, Kansas

Fat male boss: So, how are you feeling these days?
Slim, seven-months-pregnant admin assistant: Pretty good, but my back is starting to hurt a little from the 17 pounds I’ve gained.
Fat male boss: You know, you’re going to want to watch that. That weight isn’t easy to take off once you’ve put it on.

Zeeland, Michigan

Overheard by: So glad I no longer work for him

Pregnant customer: Why didn’t you tell me I had a zit under my nose?! I’m so freakin’ embarrassed.
Husband: You need to be worried about that mustache, not that zit.

North Point Mall
Alpharetta, Georgia

Overheard by: wannabmilf

Manager #1, to temp: So, listen — you’ll be in charge of the department today while we’re at an all-staff meeting. But ain’t no cameras here, so you can use this space to roller skate while we’re gone.
Manager #2: Yeah, or stand on the desk.
Manager #3: Or take a doody.

15th Street
Washington, DC