Rich people

Which Is Why It Can't Be the Other Guy I Slept With

Very white girl in business suit on cell in cafeteria: No, I haven't told him yet, I just found out for sure this morning. (pause) Well, I don't have his phone number anymore, I took it out of my phone so I wouldn't drunk dial. (pause) I don't know, I know his address, so maybe I'll just send him a card. “Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm having a baby, and so are you”. (pause) Hey, maybe a singing telegram to him at work. That'll go over big. (pause) He's an elementary school teacher… that would probably get him fired. (pulls out ghetto accent) And you know my baby daddy better have hisself a job!

Princeton, New Jersey

Overheard by: Currrly!

Joe Tautology Bares His Soul

Rich drunk guy: It’s more fun to inseminate someone than have your wife inseminated.

5200 State Line Road
Kansas City, Missouri

Though I Could Also Picture David Duchovny Saying It

New partner, opening mail: Oh, it's my gold card. Wonder what's the difference between this and a regular Amex.
Smart-ass IT guy: Well, it creates a gravitational anomaly when you whip it out in high-end restaurants, causing all the girls' panties to hit the floor.
New partner: I could have asked a thousand people that question, only you would have given that answer.

Winnipeg
Canadia

Is “Robust” More of a Girl or a Boy?

Yuppie hubby: See anything you like on the wine list?
Wifey: I look for potential baby names whenever I read a wine list. Oooh, ‘Spencer’ — that’s a good one!

Park Street
Orlando, Florida

On the Plus Side, My Personal Shopper Reports Much Shorter Lines

High society chick #1: Holy shit! The market's falling off a cliff again. They keep sending me this stuff on my BlackBerry.
High society chick #2: Yeah, it's like really scary.
High society chick #1: I went to my horseback riding class yesterday, and now there's like half the people than before.

Starbucks
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: mike sereny

That’s Quite a Euphemism for Sex with Pale Fat Chicks

Lobbyist #1: You remember how it was in school…drinking, gambling,
and being investigated by the IRA.
Lobbyist #2: Don’t you mean the IRS?
Lobbyist #1: No, the IRA. Irish Republican Army.

Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC

“I didn’t wake up on time this morning. The Jews again.”

Lunching lady #1: It’s the fault of the non-Catholics and non-believers that Terri Schiavo didn’t wake up Easter morning.
Lunching lady #2: It’s so true, you’re so right. They just don’t believe.

401 Merritt 7
Norwalk, Connecticut

Overheard by: Not a Catholic

My Career Here Is Ova.

Gentleman fundraiser, waving hands: I can't be trusted with eggs!

Seneca Place
Ithaca, New York

So Many Skin Cells in So Much Pain…

Producer #1: Ever since I started taking this new pill I cry when I see commercials for fucking Sunset Tan!
Producer #2: Oh, I don't need the pill to cry at commercials like that!

Beverly Hills, California

Low-Security Country-Club Bad, or Don’t-Pick-up-the-Soap Bad?

Client: How bad? Are we talking about just paying the three million, or are we talking penalties bad?
Accountant: We’re talking jail bad.

Broward Boulevard
Fort Lauderdale, Florida

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