Elderly patient: Go away, you cross-eyed slut!
Nurse: I'm not cross-eyed!

Hillsboro, Oregon

Doctor: Okay, so what are you having done today? Varicose veins?
Woman waiting for surgery: What? No. I'm having a port put in.
Nurse: A port? Well, you don't need a port for varicose veins.
Woman waiting for surgery: I know it's for my chemo.
Nurse: Oh, I get it now. I thought your form said “Cheerios.”


Mental patient #1: I like oxygen.
Mental patient #2: Me too.
Mental patient #1: Do you have any M&Ms?
Mental patient #2: No, do you?
Mental patient #1: No. I just thought I'd ask.

Wichita Falls, Texas

Overheard by: I love my job

Patient on phone: I would like to make an appointment to see Dr. Radcliff*
CSR: Okay, have you seen Dr. Radcliff before or are you a new patient?
Patient: Well, he's been in me three times before (referring to stent placed in heart and legs) So he's pretty much my doctor already!
CSR: Okkkkkk… (nervous chuckle)

Burlington, Vermont

Overheard by: TMI

Nurse: How have your bowel movements been?
Elderly man: Oh, very good, thank you! Would you like to see?

New York City, New York

Overheard by: Molly

Nurse: Have you ever done any other drugs? Cocaine? Meth?
Patient: I have loved meth since the day it was introduced to me.

Gall Boulevard
Zephyrhills, Florida

Nurse: Are you currently on any birth control pill?
Patient: No.
Nurse: Are you currently using any other form of birth control?
Patient: No.
Nurse: Are you satisfied with your current birth control?
Patient: Umm? Yes?

Mason, Ohio

Overheard by: Always Satisfied

Patient: Are there are any restrictions to take after having my injections?
Nurse: Do not eat beef.
Patient: What about eggs?
Nurse: Eggs are okay.
Patient: But eggs are from cows…

Beverly Hills, California

Legally blind patient: Ow! Owww, owwww! Hey, you can't do this to me! Where's the doctor?
Man in white coat: I am the doctor.

Manhattan, New York

Patient, filling out medical history form: It says here to list street drugs being used. (pause) Is insulin a street drug? I have been diabetic since I was a kid.

Warren, Michigan