Nurse: Are you currently on any birth control pill?
Patient: No.
Nurse: Are you currently using any other form of birth control?
Patient: No.
Nurse: Are you satisfied with your current birth control?
Patient: Umm? Yes?
Mason, Ohio
Overheard by: Always Satisfied
Patient: Are there are any restrictions to take after having my injections?
Nurse: Do not eat beef.
Patient: What about eggs?
Nurse: Eggs are okay.
Patient: But eggs are from cows…
Beverly Hills, California
Legally blind patient: Ow! Owww, owwww! Hey, you can't do this to me! Where's the doctor?
Man in white coat: I am the doctor.
Hospital
Manhattan, New York
Patient, filling out medical history form: It says here to list street drugs being used. (pause) Is insulin a street drug? I have been diabetic since I was a kid.
Warren, Michigan
Older male patient: I have been previously diagnosed with glaucoma, cataract and immaculate degeneration.
Doctor: Uh, do you mean macular degeneration?
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Barry
Nurse: Do you smoke?
Older man: No.
Nurse: Have you ever smoked?
Older man: Yes.
Nurse: And how many cigarettes a day did you smoke?
Older man: Uh, three. No, five. A pack.
Nurse: And when did you quit?
Older man: Uh, yesterday.
Nurse: You're still smoking, aren't you?
Older man: Yes.
Hospital
Harlem, New York
Overheard by: Natalie
Nurse assistant to patient: Do you want corn, carrots, or peas?
Patient: Cake.
Nurse assistant: Cake isn’t a vegetable. What would you like to drink?
Patient: Cookies.
Nurse assistant: You can’t drink cookies.
St. John Hospital
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: I was laughing
Patient: Help! Help me! Someone!
Patient’s tech, upon entering room: Sir! Sir, what are you yelling for?
Patient: Sanity!
Bowling Green, Kentucky
Nurse, screening for life insurance: So tell me about your siblings…
Male worker: Well, I have 3 sisters, two older and one who’s a twin. I’m the youngest by two minutes.
Nurse: Oh, really? You have a twin sister? Are you identical?
Male worker: Are you serious? You’re a professional nurse and you’re asking me if I’m identical to my twin sister? Is this screening over because I’ve got work to do.
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: Stan Green
