Visiting nurse: Good morning! How are you?
Confused 93-year-old: Well, aren't you a happy little mountain troll!

Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Older male patient: I have been previously diagnosed with glaucoma, cataract and immaculate degeneration.
Doctor: Uh, do you mean macular degeneration?

Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Barry

Nurse: Do you smoke?
Older man: No.
Nurse: Have you ever smoked?
Older man: Yes.
Nurse: And how many cigarettes a day did you smoke?
Older man: Uh, three. No, five. A pack.
Nurse: And when did you quit?
Older man: Uh, yesterday.
Nurse: You're still smoking, aren't you?
Older man: Yes.

Harlem, New York

Overheard by: Natalie

Nurse assistant to patient: Do you want corn, carrots, or peas?
Patient: Cake.
Nurse assistant: Cake isn’t a vegetable. What would you like to drink?
Patient: Cookies.
Nurse assistant: You can’t drink cookies.

St. John Hospital
Detroit, Michigan

Overheard by: I was laughing

Patient: Help! Help me! Someone!
Patient’s tech, upon entering room: Sir! Sir, what are you yelling for?
Patient: Sanity!

Bowling Green, Kentucky

Nurse, screening for life insurance: So tell me about your siblings…
Male worker: Well, I have 3 sisters, two older and one who’s a twin. I’m the youngest by two minutes.
Nurse: Oh, really? You have a twin sister? Are you identical?
Male worker: Are you serious? You’re a professional nurse and you’re asking me if I’m identical to my twin sister? Is this screening over because I’ve got work to do.

Tacoma, Washington

Overheard by: Stan Green

Female patient: Oh! You’re getting married next month?
Male patient: Trust me, you’re better off joining the Army and getting sent to Iraq.

Waiting room, East 49th Street
New York, New York

Patient: So how is your blood pressure?
Dentist: Oh, it’s just fine. Thanks.

Dentist winces.

Dentist: Except when people bite my finger. When people bite my finger, it shoots way, way up.

105 Terrebonne Road
Grafton, Virginia

Staffer: I understand you want to complete a living will.
Patient: That’s right.
Staffer: Do you know what this means?
Patient: Yes, it means I don’t want to be kept alive if I’m in a persistent vegetarian state.

10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Physical Therapist: How are you today?
Patient: No good.
Physical Therapist: That’s too bad. Why not?
Patient: Because I would rather eat my own foot off than talk to you.

275 South 5th Avenue
Pocatello, Idaho