Doctors

Any Excuse to Tell That Story

Nurse: She’s been so much better today. Chatty. She still walks around like this [puts chin to chest], but she came up to me and was like, "How are you today?" I said, "Huh? Oh, I’m fine!" Maybe it’s the Celexa.
Psychiatrist: Actually we’re weaning her off the Celexa. We started her on Effexor.
Nurse: Oh, well, maybe that’s it.
Psychiatrist: She’s only been on it one day. That wouldn’t really be long enough.
Nurse: No, that’s not… Celexa… I think I was taking that when I got into a fight at the airport. You know those guys with the M-16s? Well, I told this one bitch I was gonna jump over the counter and take her out.
Girl: That was Celexa?
Nurse, smiling: Yeah.

Oregon State Hospital
Salem, Oregon

Exactly How Remains Between You and God

Anesthesiologist to orderly at computer: What's my schedule look like?
Orderly to anesthesiologist: At 3 o'clock you get to knock that woman out.

Hospital
New York City, New York

And More Besides

Doctor to inmate: So what are they accusing you of this time?
Inmate: Oh, they're not accusing me, I did it.

County Jail Medical Office
Evansville, Indiana

Overheard by: Molly

It Comes and Goes

Patient: I’m worried about this birthmark.
Doctor: Birthmark, you say? How long have you had it?

Portland, Oregon

I Have the Brain Injury; It Doesn't Have Me

Very upset patient to patient coordinator: People think that because I have a severe brain injury I don't know what I am talking about.

Atlanta, Georgia

Lack of Motor Skills Is My Anti-Drug

Pediatrician to screaming addicted newborn: Oh, you poor thing, are you jonesin’ for some crack?

NICU
Jacksonville, Florida

Mistake? What Were You Trying to Do?

Psychiatrist: I once made the mistake of taking a cat in the shower with me.

Elizabeth, New Jersey

Overheard by: invisi-tern

1PM Lunch

Doctor #1: I always say, “Carrots are like sandpaper for the colon.”
Doctor #2: Yeah, see, most people I know just eat them.

1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan

They’ll Never Guess You’re Tara Reid Just by Looking at You

Doctor, to patient: Well, if you just don’t tell them who you are, you won’t have that problem.

7950 West Mississippi Avenue
Lakewood, Colorado

Overheard by: LAP

Any Other Dreams I Can Crush Before Lunch?

Secretary #1: Is your boyfriend coming for Christmas?
Secretary #2: Yeah! He's in med school in Seattle studying to be an ER doc, so I don't get to see him much.
Female doctor, just coming into room: Them! Don't get me started on ER docs!
Secretary #1: Oh?
Doctor: They can't keep their pants on–and the married ones are worse!

Albany General Hosptial
Albany, Oregon

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