Cube rat exiting front door: I’m going out. Can I bring back anything for anybody?
Voice from back of room: Johnny Depp.
Cube rat, disgustedly: Oh, nice, but I meant bring back anything to eat.
Different voice from back of room: Johnny Depp on a cracker.
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Female peon to another: My roommate wants me to do laundry, but I don’t know when I can do it. I’m too hung over on Saturday morning, and I have Bible study Sunday morning.
Studio City, California
Coworker: Have you been to Foreign Brides* dot com? This is what they do — they send you a picture and string you on. Then they say they need a thousand dollars for a flight. I didn’t send it, because I knew! I knew this was a scam.
8 Cambridge Center
Boston, Massachusetts
Office chick #1: Don’t squeeze it! All the goo will come out!
Office chick #2, playing with stress ball: Why, what happened?
Office chick #1: I got a little too excited and squeezed it until it popped… That’s why I don’t hold babies…
Arlington, Virginia
Client: She said she was looking for a pen.
Attorney: And the pen was under her desk?
Client: Yes, and she’s a pack rat, and everything in the world is under her desk…
Attorney: And she got stuck that way?
Client: Yes, and we had to call security so they could drag her out by her ankles…
Attorney: I hope that was a really nice pen.
Kern County Superior Court
Bakersfield, California
Overheard by: Frazzled lawyer
Project lead: It’s like making a vegetarian eat a hamster.
Burton Drive
Santa Clara, California
Overheard by: Rob
New hire: They finally mopped the floor by my desk.
Boss lady: Did they wax your area, too?
728 State Street
Madison, Wisconsin
Lab worker #1: Murder only applies to humans. It’s a term specific to us.
Lab worker #2: You can’t ‘murder’ a dream?
Lab worker #1: You can’t murder baby cows.
Lab worker #2: What about cats?
Lab worker #1: No. Cats can’t be murdered… Unless they?re half-cat, half-person.
Lab worker #2: Then it’s half murder.
Lab worker #1: Even if it’s premeditated, it’s knocked back to manslaughter. That?s probably why the cat people think we’re biased against them, but really it’s just that the legal system wasn?t set up with them in mind. [Silence.] I’ve thought about this a lot.
Durham, North Carolina
Manager: Oh, oh! Are you coughing?
Gagging cube rat: No… I’m… Choking…
Manager, walking on: Oh, good, I thought you were getting sick, too.
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Lady peon: Hey, wanna get a beer after work?
Male peon: Yeah, right after I unleash hellfire on my toilet bowl…
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: I love where I work!!
