If Our Customers Won’t Behave, We Fire Them

VP on phone with angry customer: Well, I’m sorry that nobody has been here to take your calls or return your messages yet. We’ve been busy in the office lately… Yes, I understand it’s frustrating, but we’re doing all we can… Okay, look Larry*, look — the reason nobody’s here whenever you call is because we just got caller ID last week, and everybody ignores you because nobody wants to deal with you because you’re an asshole… Yeah, I heard you were a real piece of work to our receptionist… You’re an asshole! Yeah? Well, I don’t care if we have your business anymore. Asshole!

Beltsville, Maryland

Overheard by: The abused receptionist

Posted on November 19, 2017
Customer Service, Executives, Insults, Maryland

The Court Limited Mom to an Inflatable Car

Girl #1: Hey, when is that festival?
Girl #2: I think it’s sometime in the beginning of May?
Girl #1: We should totally go.
Girl #2: Yes… It will be fun, we can run over pedestrians like your mom did that one time.
Girl #1: Oh yeah! I forgot about that…
Girl #2: Haha, she just kept driving.

Greene Turtle, Main Street
Bel Air, Maryland

Overheard by: GlynnisO

Posted on November 15, 2017
Accidents, Default, Maryland, Questions, Violence, Weirdness

No One Needs to Know I Bought Encino Man

Coworker #1: The new shredder shreds CDs… Cool.
Coworker #2: Yeah! And it shreds DVDs, too!

Columbia, Maryland

Overheard by: it says moops

Posted on September 29, 2017
Coworkers, Maryland, Technology

…To a Manatee

Assistant: She says “I lost 145 pounds!” and I'm all “well, of course you did. You gave birth”.

Baltimore, Maryland

Posted on September 15, 2017
Admins, Comebacks, Diet & Weight, Health & Hygiene, Maryland, Physical Appearance

Sock Puppets, in Particular

Middle-aged copywriter to young techno weenie: PowerPoint is nice, but don’t ever underestimate the power of puppets.

West Lexington Street
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Here4theLaughs

Posted on August 23, 2017
Advice, Compare and contrast, Compliments, Default, Maryland, Technology, Writers and Editors

You Just Want to See My Ore-O-Face

Coworker, discussing mint Oreos: I stuffed four of them in this morning.
Boss: Can you stuff six?
Coworker: I don't know. Maybe not at once.

Baltimore, Maryland

Posted on August 16, 2017
Bosses, Coworkers, Maryland, Meals and Snacks, Sensory Experiences, Sexuality

Dude, You're the Worst Optimist Ever

Student employee: A girl lost her feet on a roller coaster at Six Flags.
Employee: At least she didn't lose her pants.

Towson, Maryland

Posted on July 17, 2017
Accidents, Body Parts, Clothes, Compare and contrast, Employees, Maryland, Students

1PM Lunch

Editor: Doesn’t seem like three years since those nuns went to prison.

501 North Calvert Street
Baltimore, Maryland

Posted on June 2, 2017
Crimes, Maryland, Religion, Time Management, Writers and Editors

The Jesuits Transfer the Smell to Another Diocese

Tour group mom #1, in stall: Isn't this bathroom gorgeous?
Tour group mom #2, also in stall: Yes! I was just thinking that!
Tour group mom #1: The floor is so pretty!
Tour group mom #2: And it doesn't smell, which is sooo impressive.

Loyola University
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Dean's Admin

Posted on May 10, 2017
Maryland, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Tourists, Vacation

They Play “Jiggle Bells”

Boss to chubby young female coworker: Hey, why are you jingling?
Chubby young female co-worker (after brief pause): Umm, because I'm fat.
Boss (horrified): Wait… What?! No, no, not “jiggle” …jingle!
Chubby young female coworker (laughing): Oooooooh! (lifts up foot and gives it a shake) I have little bells on my socks!

New Market, Maryland

Posted on January 7, 2017
Bosses, Clothes, Coworkers, Default, Diet & Weight, Maryland, Questions, Weirdness