Female director to peon about to leave to celebrate anniversary: I hope you have plans to do your wife right this weekend. (five second awkward pause) And by that I mean “do right by your wife this weekend.” I gotta go, bye!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: r
Manager of apartment complex: Does your husband have a crotch rocket?
Rochester, New York
Attorney, discussing potential vacation destinations: So, I was thinking Finland.
Paralegal: That's great. You know, one of my cousins spent a month in Iceland.
Attorney, exasperated: Iceland is way different from Finland: One's like an island, the other is like an isthmus.
Fort Wayne, Indiana
Overheard by: Betsy
Female coworker: Have you ever had a crush on one of your cousins?
Male coworker, sarcastically: Yeah, my 12-year-old cousin is really hot.
Female coworker: No, I mean, it's just that they're so nice and cute and … I just really love my cousins!
Male coworker: (blank stare)
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Jessica
Female office worker to pregnant coworker: His mother said we should wait until we're older to have kids, but she's old. She's 40. I told her that we're 23 and 24. We're of child-bearing age. We're supposed to be having children.
Fleet Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Coworker to another, just back from honeymoon: Hey, that shirt looks like it actually fits. Did the missus pick it out for you? Did she make you go on a diet? Did you stop eating because you're depressed? (waits for an answer, gets none) Do you have to ask your wife for permission to talk to me?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Peezy
Coworker: I'm going home late tonight. My wife just went to the dentist and she's going to be a pain.
Santa Clarita, California
Office girl to another: When you boil it down, all babies really need are titties and diapers.
Houston, Texas
Speaker for sales meeting: Just consider Mastercard. You know, “Plane ticket to Boca Raton: 400 dollars. Doing it with you grandpa: priceless.”
Bellevue, Washington
Counselor: Oh, I read about a blind couple that sailed to Australia without any assistance!
Secretary: They think it's Australia. Their kids just pulled them around the harbor for a few days, and took them to outback.
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
