Supervisor (in a sing-song voice): Sex with Steven is more boring than church.
Employee #1: (humming along)
Supervisor: Sex with Steven is like…a handjob during Golden Girls.
Employee #1: Sex with Steven is like getting off on a baby carrot.
Employee #2: A baby pickle.
Employee #1: Whatever. Sex with Steven is…like an orgy with old people.
(pause)
Supervisor : You took it too far.
Hamilton
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: some girl.
Sales to another: My form of cardio is masturbation.
Halifax
Canadia
Guy on phone fixing air conditioner: I went over to this girl's house last night to watch that “I see dead people” movie. She's got one of those parrots, so while we were watching the movie I kept whispering to the parrot “I see dead people”, trying to get him to say it. Can you imagine a parrot walking up to you and saying “I see dead people?” That'd be pretty wild, right?
Piscataway, New Jersey
Clerk: I put Chipotle mayonnaise on my Panini, and now my lips are burning.
Nurse: Should have tried Nystatin.
Stony Brook Hospital
New York
CPR instructor: … And how do we tell if an infant isn’t breathing? He will flail around a little and will also turn blue or purple.
Black cop: Um, not trying to be an ass, but what if the baby is my color?
White cop: Oh yeah… That’s known as blurple.
CPR Class, Police Department
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Patron using computer: I want to print this. (points to screen)
Librarian, looking over patron’s shoulder: You want to print that YouTube video?
Public Library
Atlanta, Georgia
Man on phone: Did you find your tree? Did you hug your tree?
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Guy: Today, from 1:30 to 4:30 I played tic-tac-toe and hangman, and then at 4:30 I played board games and drank booze. I love my job.
Westport, Connecticut
Peon #1: Did he storm off in a cloud of huff and glitter?
Peon #2: He was eating a lemon meringue pie, so it was a huff of glitter and meringue.
Peon #1: That was this morning?
Peon #2: Yes, we were all eating pie this morning.
Peon #1: That sounds like a tight ship over there.
Graduate Library
Ann Arbor, Michigan
