Coworker, discussing why he can't go to lunch: I would fart once in my room on Saturday, and it would totally blow my mind. Then it would proceed to blow everyone else's minds in every other room upstairs. Like, seriously, Joe* was like “did you drop a deuce?” and I was like “no.” Then I proceeded to fart exclusively in the bathroom for the rest of the weekend, and bring a pack of matches too.
Crozet, Virginia
Overheard by: Cube Monkey
Male IT worker: Body glitter is not that hard to wash off.
Richmond, Virginia
Excited supervisor: Want to see pictures of my dead cat?
Fairfax, Virginia
Boss: Did you see [Martha]’s eye?
Underling: No, why?
Boss: She’s got pink eye.
Underling: Oh wow, that sucks.
Boss: I’m afraid.
Underling: Why?
Boss: [Martha] was looking at me all day.
Underling: What?
Boss: I can get pink eye if she looks at me, right?
Underling: I don’t think pink eye is communicable via the act of looking.
8270 Greensboro Drive
McLean, Virginia
Woman on phone: Did she eat the other remote? Well, then you need to call Verizon and get a new one!
Crystal City, Virginia
Sales rep #1: Here’s that spreadsheet. I hid the columns you didn’t need so it would fit on one page.
Sales rep #2: How did you do that? I have been cutting and pasting all this time!
Sales rep #1: Cutting and pasting?
Sales rep #2, pulling out three pieces of paper, cut and taped together to make one big spreadsheet: See? I cut and pasted!
Virginia
Overheard by: What!?
Older lady: Get your filthy hand off me, you son of a whore!
Guy: You comin' back this afternoon?
Older lady: Yeah, I guess. You want me to?
Guy: Yeah, sure.
Older lady: Okay, then. See you later.
Catawba, Virginia
Woman on cell: Well, when I get to my office, I’ll turn on my computer and run through what you did, to see what may be wrong with your computer. [pause] No, Mom, I can’t get onto your computer from my computer.
3301 Fairfax Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Project manger: From now on all of the questions are going to be rhetorical.
Group on speakerphone: [Silence.]Project manager: You know what rhetorical means, don’t you?
Group on speakerphone: [Silence.]Project manager: Anyway…
Fairfax, Virginia
