Technology

Paralegal in training: Help me! The text that I am typing is replacing the text that is already there!
Patient coworker: Um… Hit the ‘Insert’ key.
Paralegal in training: … Where on the screen do I click that?!

San Francisco, California

IT guy: So, are you using straight AutoCAD?
Employee: As opposed to the homosexual one?

41 East 11th Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: nex0s

Customer: What are all of those light switches for?
Store clerk, without looking up: For turning things on and off.

Wichita, Kansas

Overheard by: Chandra

Coworker on phone with QC guy: Um… You just hit the printer icon… What? Well, just type it on a Word document. Uh, you type, then hit that aforementioned printer icon… Okay, hold up. Let’s just start from square one, shall we? First, is your computer on this time? Okay, hit your start button, down there at the bottom of your screen. Uh, and don’t really hit it — just click, okay? Now click ‘All programs’… M-hmmm… Now click ‘Microsoft Office, and then ‘Microsoft Word.’ You get a pop-up on your computer about macros. Click the ‘X.’ [Sighs.] Well, give it a minute — you’ll have a pop-up. Very good. Yes, hit the ‘X.’ [After pause] Now you type — you know — typey-type-type-type? Then print. Right. No, if you don’t save it, then it won’t stay on your computer… What exactly are you typing and printing in there? … You know what? Never mind. It’s better if I just don’t know. [Hangs up, then speaks to self.] And I can’t ship anything without him checking the parts first… I have a good feeling in my belly now.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

Worker explaining new fax machine: Stand there and just stick it in. Bottom up.

Piedmont, South Carolina

Overheard by: Ape

Supervisor: Did you find it yet?
Intern, looking on Internet: No, I’m still looking.
Supervisor: Did you Google it?
Intern: Yeah, couldn’t find it.
Supervisor, yelling: Well, then Google harder!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Rumpleforeskin

Annoying peon: Can you get on the internet? [To a second peon] Can you get on the Internet? [Shouts down hall] Can anyone get on the Internet?! Nothing will come up! I can’t even get my usual porn sites to come up!

Baltimore, Maryland

Box office manager: Sir, this is the Chicago Shakespeare Theater. I can’t tell you how to fix your microwave.

800 East Grand Avenue
Chicago, Illinois

Worker: Is the mailer-daemon a real person?
Tech: Really?

11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

Boss: Why does your ‘Help’ work?
Employee: Because I installed it and set it up correctly.
Boss: Why doesn’t Greg’s* ‘Help’ work, then?
Employee: Do you want me to go in there and help him wipe, too?

4500 Research Way
Corvallis, Oregon