New York

By French Standards, He Got an Obsequiously Polite Person on the Phone

Employee on phone with a French company: I’m sorry that you’re offended that I don’t speak French, sir…Well, I don’t know what to tell you. I speak English and Korean; I just don’t speak French. We have a great offer here. I think you’d like to hear about it, even in English…Well, if you’d like I can speak to you with what French I do know but I’m afraid it will only be “hello” and “yes” or “no.”…I’m sorry that you think my lack of French represents what’s wrong with America in general…

61 Broadway
New York, New York

In Addition to the One Labeled “Important Fire Safety Instructions”

Manager: What time is my meeting with you?
Employee: I don't know. I got your e-mail, but didn't know you were talking about, so I deleted it.

Broadway & Walker
New York City

Overheard by: office peon hates meetings

Dude, That’s My Desk

Bitter intern to cheerful intern: Jeez, stop being so motivated and shit. The only thing I’m actively doing today is refraining from eating magic mushrooms at my desk.

Rockefeller Plaza
New York City, New York

Probably Asphaltzheimer's Disease

Engineer to another: Don't you just love it when Mark* comes up to your desk and throws down a recipe for soup and asks you where to buy asphalt? And he keeps pointing at it!

New York City, New York

Overheard by: jt

Technically, She's Also My Aunt.

Judge: You've been charged with violation of section […] of the city code: having an open bottle of alcohol in public. How old are you?
Dirty, shirtless white man: Eighteen.
Judge: Does anyone else live in your household with you?
Dirty, shirtless white man: Yeah, my girlfriend and our two kids.
Judge: How old is your girlfriend?
Dirty, shirtless white man: Thirty-eight.
Judge: Thirty-eight? How long have you two been living together?
Dirty, shirtless white man: About seven years.
Judge: You're 18 and you and this woman have been living together for seven years??
Dirty, shirtless white man: Yeah.
Judge: Can you post $100 bail?
Dirty, shirtless white man: I have no money, judge.
Judge: Uh, well, then just come back on November 26, okay?
(man leaves)
Judge, to law clerk: He's got enough problems.

City Court
Long Beach, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry

Then It's a Great Analogy

Financial analyst: This might be a bad analogy, but it's like this: if there's a guy up on the roof of a house and he's throwing babies off, and you just barely catch the first couple of babies, it might mean that's not a very good strategy and what you really need to do is get someone to go up on the roof and get the guy down.
Coworker: You ever notice how whenever you start a sentence that way, a hush falls over the area?

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: MPW

Dude, You Want Your Computer to Love You Long Time

Boss to computer: Don't fuck with me! No fucky fucky!

Downtown Brooklyn, New York

Overheard by: SJ

You Call This a Gay Bar?

Stranger at urinal, before storming out of the bathroom: They don’t play enough Cher, that’s what blows!

Melville, New York

Why Workplaces Should Have Principals’ Offices

Short woman whispering to self, as tall man holds door for her: Shit. Unbelievable. [Tall man stares at her.]Tall man, to another woman: You know, she did this to me once before. I had to ride the elevator with her muttering to herself about me until another elevator opened across the hall and she ran away into it. [Continues staring at short woman until elevator stops.]Short woman, yelling as exits the elevator: Maybe it’s because you smell!
Other woman: Well, aren’t you a charming thing. [Doors shut.]

330 7th Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Dirty Librarian

So How Do You Wrap Your Meat, Then?

Woman: Gary*, do you have any peach paper?
Gary, flabbergasted: Peach paper?! I’m a man!

Madison Street
Syracuse, New York

Overheard by: jimBO

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