Can’t Wait ‘Til He Puts on the Darth Vader Mask and Tells the Baby He’s Her Father

Woman #1: Hey! Look at you! I didn’t know you were back from maternity leave.
Woman #2: Yeah, I just came back yesterday.
Woman #1: I saw the pictures you emailed. She’s adorable. I remember you were worried about labor. How’d it go?
Woman #2: Not too bad, actually. Kind of what I expected. Although I punched my husband and threatened divorce during the worst of it.
Woman #1: Are you serious? What did he do?
Woman #2: Right when my contractions were about two minutes apart, he got nervous and attempted to distract me. So he kept making that ooohbah, ooohbah noise that those robot things made in Revenge of the Sith.
Woman #1: Omigod! I know what you’re talking about. What a jerk! That’s so funny, though.
Woman #2: Yeah, I know. We laugh about it now. But at the time I punched him in the stomach and called him a bastard. I told him if he opened his mouth again even to cough, we were getting a divorce. Poor guy wouldn’t even talk to the nurses after that.

777 Eisenhower Parkway
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Posted on April 27, 2020
Arts, Coworkers, General Idiocy, Insults, Michigan, Relationships, Threats, Violence

And You're Just My UPS Guy!

Female coworker on phone: I am really sorry my pregnancy is an inconvenience to you, but guess what: it is an inconvenience to me too!

Westland, Michigan

Overheard by: Krystal

Posted on March 10, 2020
Compare and contrast, Coworkers, Health & Hygiene, Michigan, On the phone

1PM Lunch

Doctor #1: I always say, “Carrots are like sandpaper for the colon.”
Doctor #2: Yeah, see, most people I know just eat them.

1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Posted on February 20, 2020
Comebacks, Doctors, Health & Hygiene, Meals and Snacks, Michigan

Cigarette, Anyone?

CEO wrapping up a video conference: I just want to thank everyone for making this the best three-way I’ve ever had!

Traverse City, Michigan

Overheard by: Admin Assistant K

Posted on September 29, 2019
Bosses, Compliments, Default, Executives, Meetings, Michigan, Sexuality, Words

You’re the Scaliest, Stinkiest Boss I’ve Ever Had

Executive assistant: I think I touch and smell just about everything.

141 River’s Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan

Overheard by: Another Assistant

Posted on September 18, 2019
Dumb Employees, Gossip, Michigan

She Made the Same Mistake with Love in the 1960s

Technician: Ma’am, your Jaguar needs a new engine.
Jag owner: How can that be?
Technician: When’s the last time you had the oil changed?
Jag owner: My salesperson Vinnie* told me the car was maintenance-free, and just bring it in when it needs service.
Technician: No, ma’am, it’s not maintenance-free, it’s free maintenance.

1815 Maplelawn Drive
Troy, Michigan

Overheard by: Vinyl Junkie

Posted on August 3, 2019
Dumb Customers, General Idiocy, Michigan

5PM That’s a Wrap

Funeral director: So, you know all the procedures now, right?
Secretary: Yes, I believe so, I just never had to go get the organ out for a service.
Funeral director: Well, you know where it’s at, right?
Secretary: Yeah, so you just go in the back and pull it out and stick it in there, right?

2157 Oak Street
Wyandotte, Michigan