Secretary: [The client] keeps calling and asking for me. And you know what? The next time he does that, I’m going to tell him that you lied to him.
Boss: What? Why?
Secretaty: Because you tell him you’re going to do all these things for him, and you don’t!
Boss: That’s because he’s an idiot!
527 West Jefferson Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Designer: Any cat lady with a sticker-printing machine… can make stamps.
Manhattan, New York
Underling #1: Am I fired?
Boss: No, ’cause then we’d have to hire her, and she’s only part time.
Underling #2: Me?
Underling #1: She wouldn’t take the job.
Boss: Yes, because she’s smarter than you.
334 East 14th Street
New York, New York
Lady coworker, after hanging up: So, have you ever been called a ‘piece of shit’ by your daughter?
West 26th Street
New York, New York
Teacher: Explain that to me again.
Parent: I just don’t gets it. I’s lay with a man, and he gets me pregnant.
Teacher: Are you serious?
Parent: Look, bitch, I gots me seven kids, and I don’t know where they be comin’ from. You gots to help me. I goes to sleep, and then I’s wake up pregnant.
Teacher: Look, I’m referring you to the counselor. This is out of my hands.
Parent: Bitch, that ain’t gonna help!
Teacher: Look, I don’t have a direct line with Jesus to help you out, so the counselor is the next best thing. Got that, bitch?
School
Las Vegas, Nevada
Account Manager: Hey, do you feel like a monkey in the middle of an idiot sandwich?
Process Analyst: That would make you one of the idiots. Are you calling yourself an idiot?
Account Manager: Oh…huh?
5 minutes later.
Process Analyst: Hey, do you feel like an idiot in a monkey sandwich?
Account Manager: Ha! Now you are the idiot!
Process Analyst: No…that still makes you the idiot.
520 Guthridge Court
Norcross, Georgia
Worker #1: Smell my poncho.
Worker #2: No.
Worker #1: Smell my poncho.
Worker #2: That’s not a poncho, that’s a dry cleaning bag.
Worker #1: It’s a poncho.
Worker #2: It’s a dry cleaning bag with a hood. It’s not a real poncho.
Worker #1: It is so a real poncho. It’s blue.
Worker #2: It’s a dry cleaning bag.
Worker #1: It’s blue.
Worker #2: It’s a–
Worker #1: –It has arm holes.
Worker #2: Jeff*, it’s a dry cleaning bag with a hood, and it smells like cat piss.
Boston, Massachusetts
Coworker on phone: Why do you need to know what type of printer I have?…Well, I guess I could read the name of the printer to you off of the printer, if you suggest that… Here’s the name written right here. It’s F then U, C. Are you writing this down? K and then Y. Then finally O, U…Hello, hello?
4175 Central Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
Secretary #1: That was a funny email you sent earlier; I couldn’t
stop cracking up.
Secretary #2: Hey, I just try to make you all laugh.
Intern: For you to make them laugh all they have to do is look at
your face.
28 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Male employee: And the worst thing is that we’re not allowed to do anything to stop another attack. No profiling so we don’t offend someone’s religion. To hell with that!
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
