Overpaid receptionist: I am so freakin’ tired. I’ve been actually having sex since four o’clock Saturday ’til six o’clock this morning.
Coworker: Ummm, that’s nice.
Overpaid receptionist: I’m so sore. I am walking like Sally*. It looks like she was fucked all weekend, but all she did was pull weeds.
North O’Connor Boulevard
Las Colinas, Texas
Overheard by: So that’s what ‘being rode hard and put away wet’ looks like
Boss: Don’t do that. Make Suzanne* do that.
Assistant: Why?
Boss: Because Suzanne is a cunt and we hate her.
Assistant: I like her. Erin* likes her.
Boss: We don’t really like you two, either.
Goshen Turnpike
Bloomingburg, New York
Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/
Automated computer voice on elevator: Second floor. Going down.
Old man: Uh, up yours.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Up it to what?
Boss lady: I think Rick* was talking to people in our aisle for a record 52 minutes. He’s finally gone.
Assistant: Don’t worry. He’ll be back. Like herpes and the Terminator.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Secretary: [The client] keeps calling and asking for me. And you know what? The next time he does that, I’m going to tell him that you lied to him.
Boss: What? Why?
Secretaty: Because you tell him you’re going to do all these things for him, and you don’t!
Boss: That’s because he’s an idiot!
527 West Jefferson Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Designer: Any cat lady with a sticker-printing machine… can make stamps.
Manhattan, New York
Underling #1: Am I fired?
Boss: No, ’cause then we’d have to hire her, and she’s only part time.
Underling #2: Me?
Underling #1: She wouldn’t take the job.
Boss: Yes, because she’s smarter than you.
334 East 14th Street
New York, New York
Lady coworker, after hanging up: So, have you ever been called a ‘piece of shit’ by your daughter?
West 26th Street
New York, New York
Teacher: Explain that to me again.
Parent: I just don’t gets it. I’s lay with a man, and he gets me pregnant.
Teacher: Are you serious?
Parent: Look, bitch, I gots me seven kids, and I don’t know where they be comin’ from. You gots to help me. I goes to sleep, and then I’s wake up pregnant.
Teacher: Look, I’m referring you to the counselor. This is out of my hands.
Parent: Bitch, that ain’t gonna help!
Teacher: Look, I don’t have a direct line with Jesus to help you out, so the counselor is the next best thing. Got that, bitch?
School
Las Vegas, Nevada
Account Manager: Hey, do you feel like a monkey in the middle of an idiot sandwich?
Process Analyst: That would make you one of the idiots. Are you calling yourself an idiot?
Account Manager: Oh…huh?
5 minutes later.
Process Analyst: Hey, do you feel like an idiot in a monkey sandwich?
Account Manager: Ha! Now you are the idiot!
Process Analyst: No…that still makes you the idiot.
520 Guthridge Court
Norcross, Georgia
