Illinois

Your Grandma Always Was a Character

Policewoman: Right. So then I had to search her, and I found a crack pipe shoved somewhere that a crack pipe should never be shoved. So I entered it in the log, and then I threw it into the garbage. Then she said, ‘No, you can’t throw it out. That’s my best one! I’ll never get another one like it!’
Mother: Oh my god, honey, how nasty! I don’t like you working in situations like this.
Policewoman: Well, but my point is this: of course she’ll get it back. Soon as I release her, she’ll just go digging in the trash and find it, and shove it right back where I found it.

Belmont Avenue and Sheridan Road
Chicago, Illinois

If It’s Not Coming, We Need to Know

Suit: We need that information RSVP.
Minion: Uh, ASAP?
Suit: I don’t think so.

Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Joe

Is February the One with Only Ten?

Junior art director: Hey, what month is eleven?

Chicago, Illinois

Anyway, I Already Ate Richard's Foot Skin

Broker #1: Okay, here's one: would you rather lick the bulge on Jimmy's leg or eat the skin that Richard peeled off his foot last year?
Broker #2: As sick as this sounds, I'd take Jimmy's bulge in a second. I had to sit next to Richard. His foot had a crack in it so deep you could stick a pencil in it.

Chicago, Illinois

And I Didn't Even Know She Smoked!

Office drone to coworker: She had a very busy weekend, but what she was most excited about was the sausage party!

Chicago, Illinois

I Know the Perfect Position For You!

Employee #1: I don’t know how you got a better review than you did last year.
Employee #2: Yeah, me either.
Employee #1: You know, I really only get about 50% out of you each day.
Employee #2: Yeah, that sounds about right. Some days more, some days less. Usually less.
Employee #1: Wouldn’t it be great if I got that 100% out of you, though?
Employee #2: Probably, but I really just don’t feel like it.

901 Warrenville Road
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Recovering Workaholic

And It's Pronounced “Canadia“

File clerk: So do the Summer Olympics happen every… eight years?
Law clerk: Um, four years.
File clerk: I'm taking this quiz. Is Canada in South America?
Law clerk: North America.

Law Office
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Perplexed

Thank God the Weekend’s Finally Here

Co-worker #1: Have you ever been to Greece?
Co-worker #2: Yup.
Co-worker #1: Did you go see ruins of Pantheos?
Co-worker #2: You mean, “the Parthenon?”
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that’s it! Aw man, today I’ve got…what’s that called?
Co-worker #2: Stupid?
Co-worker #1: Ha, ha. Very funny. No…oh! Mind dyslexia!
Co-worker #2: As opposed to body dyslexia?

216 W. Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois

The Best Part Is, It Was a Banana.

Cashier: Since this is a liquidation, all sales are final and there are no returns or exchanges.
Customer: So if something's wrong with it, I can't return it?
Cashier: That's right.
Customer: Okay.
Customer, after item is paid for: So, I can return this if it's wrong?
Cashier, sighing: You know what? Give it a whirl. Let me know how that goes.

Chicago, Illinois

Oh, What a Tangled Website We Weave

Law Firm Partner: How do you log on to our website?
Secretary: We don’t have a website.
Law Firm Partner: Can make one up real quick? There’s a girl who’s trying to sell us a website and I told her we already have one.

329 18th Street
Rock Island, Illinois

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