Technician: Ma’am, your Jaguar needs a new engine.
Jag owner: How can that be?
Technician: When’s the last time you had the oil changed?
Jag owner: My salesperson Vinnie* told me the car was maintenance-free, and just bring it in when it needs service.
Technician: No, ma’am, it’s not maintenance-free, it’s free maintenance.
1815 Maplelawn Drive
Troy, Michigan
Overheard by: Vinyl Junkie
Food service worker: What type of soda would you like today?
Female customer: Large.
Food service worker: Yes, mam’m. But what type or flavor did you want?
Female customer: I said large.
Food service worker: Yes, ma’am. Diet Coke? Sprite? Coke? What type?
Female customer: Are you fucking stupid or something? Large. A large soda. How many times do I have to tell you?
San Diego Mall Food Court
San Diego, California
Mortgage rep: And, finally, may I ask you what race you are? Caucasian, African-American…
Customer: I’m Canadian.
Fairfield County, Connecticut
Ghetto-fab girl: Hey, is your chicken made with real chicken?
Employee: Uh… yes?
Ghetto-fab girl: Like, it’s made with the real chicken that lays eggs and stuff like that?
Employee: Yes, ma’am. The chicken is made with real, egg-laying chicken.
Food court, Westfield West County Mall
Des Peres, Missouri
Sorority girl in Spanish class: ‘Diabolico…’ That means he’s diabetic, right?
Classmate: No, it means diabolic.
Sorority girl: So, diabolic… Is that like a medical condition?
Modern Languages building, University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
Customer: Do you have The Odyssey in the original Latin?
Haste Street and Telegraph Avenue
Berkeley, California
User: I don’t want a customer to be able to login and they might guess that their password is “welcome.”
Tech: We can change it to, let’s say, “monkey123.”
User: Well, what if they guess “monkey123”?
4 Columbus Circle
New York, NY
Courtesy clerk: Can I help you find something, sir?
Male customer: Yes. I need condoms and cake right now! If I can’t get one tonight, I need the other. Can you hurry?
Grocery store
California
Overheard by: Daphne
Manager answering phone: XYZ Company*. Can I help you?
Caller: Accounts Receivable, please.
Manager: Do you have a general billing question or is this regarding a specific invoice?
Caller: Exactly.
Manager: [Silence.]
1306 Dahlgren Avenue
Washington, DC
Eight-year-old boy looking at DVD: Carnival.
Father: Read that again.
Eight-year-old boy: Car… Carb… Cannibal.
Father: Yeah, that means ‘meat eater.’
Eight-year-old boy, after pause: Another word for that is ‘carnivore.’
Father: Oh, I guess that actually means, ‘One who eats their own’. [Longer pause] You know, once at a job site I was working at we had a guy who was arrested and taken away for cannibalism… But that wasn’t in America.
Video Store, 5600 Bigger Road
Kettering, Ohio
