Middle-aged coworker, about applying makeup to upper eyelids: I can't do it because my eyes are all squinty.
Young Asian coworker, jokingly: Yeah, me either.
Middle-aged coworker, serious: But that's because of where you're from.
Male coworker, walking in: Oxnard?
Thousand Oaks, California
Loan officer #1: Wouldn't a 55-and-over development have lower market value because your applicant pool is so small?
Loan officer #2: No way, there's a ton of old people.
Eastern Shore, Maryland
Manager: So to get to know each other a little better I'm going to ask you all to answer this question: if you were an animal, what would it be? I'd be a cat, I think.
Cashier #1: A chinchilla. They're cute.
Cashier #2: A guinea pig, because they're awesome.
Cashier #3: A bird, so I could shit on anybody who tried to shit on me.
(long awkward pause)
Manager: Okay. That's a good answer too.
Selinsgrove, Pennsylvania
Coworker to another: These reports are look-upable on the web.
Braintree, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Hot Mess
Overtly loud coworker: Oh, it smells good back here… Are you burning something?
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: Light one Up!
Coworker to new employee: Love the Avril Lavigne poster, Susan*. I had no idea you were such a fan!
New employee: Never missed a concert in the Midwest! Avril really speaks to me. Her songs are so profound.
Arrogant man in cube across: Oh, come on Susan! As a 40-something woman with bad style and three kids, what could a 18-year-old possibly teach you that is so profound? If you started wearing heavy black eyeliner and fishnets, then maybe I would believe you.
Edina, Minnesota
Office know-it-all: When an elephant's trunk is up, it's a good omen. When the trunk is down, it's a bad omen.
Cubicle mate: Isn't an elephant's trunk always down unless it's, like, screaming at you?
Chicago, Illinois
Trainer to another: Well, after she threw up on me, it made it hard for me to kiss her afterwards.
Kentucky
Officer #1: Yeah, man, I'm not going to pull someone over for talking on their cell phone, because I talk on my cell phone while driving.
Officer #2: For sure, I ain't gonna pull someone over for speeding, cause I speed all over this place.
Officer #3: Right, why would I pull someone over for drunk driving, when I'm always drunk.
Ventura, California
Overheard by: Chatty McSailor Mouth
