Legal secretary: The last thing I need is to get arrested for stealing a dead woman's flowers.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Waiter to customer: I’m sorry, but we’re out of swiss. Would you like mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: Swiss.
Waiter: No, we don’t have swiss. Do you want mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: You don’t have swiss?
Waiter: Nope, but we do have mozzarella and cheddar.
Customer: That sucks!
Waiter: Yeah, I’m sorry. Would you like either mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: What other cheeses do you have?
Waiter: Mozzarella and cheddar.
Customer: Don’t you have any other cheeses?
Salt Lake City, Utah
Office peon #1: Gah, if I could just tell Excel what I want, it’d be so easy. ‘Do this!’ I’d say, and it would be like, ‘Sure!’ and life would be simpler.
Office peon #2: Or it wouldn’t listen, and you’d put on some leather straps with nipple rings and it’d say, ‘Hit me again. Let me see you get reeeal angry.’
University of Utah
Salt Lake City, Utah
Innocent Mormon: Hey, does anyone want to lick this?
Rest of coworkers, giggling: Ummmm… No.
Innocent Mormon: I want someone else to lick it, I hate licking it myself.
Helpful coworker: Just go get your finger wet and rub it on there.
South Salt Lake City, Utah
Shuttle driver: … So I married a girl from Wyoming.
Customer: Well, at least they shave there.
Hotel
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: confused front desk girl
Man on phone: I'm having surgery next week. (pause) I'm having penis enlargement surgery. (pause) Yeah, but I don't really use mine much anymore. It's good for taking a whiz, and that's about it.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Tired and defeated public relations director: So, yeah, I'm heading up that project. (sighs)
Equally tired and defeated public relations manager: Let me know if I can help with that.
Tired and defeated public relations director: You can help me by putting my car in neutral and pushing it off the top of the parking garage.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Manda
Nurse #1: I have the worst zit right now.
Nurse #2: Seriously, I'm like a walking ad for herpes!
Hospital
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Hoping you're only talking about that cold sore…
PhD #1: So we need to find babies who’s mothers smoked during their pregnancies.
PhD #2: What would be great is if we could find some pregnant women who smoke and monitor the fetus before, and a while after birth. But that’s kinda illegal and unethical.
PhD #1: Yeah, we can’t really encourage women to continue smoking while they’re pregnant.
30 South 2000 East
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: whitney
