Coworker #1: So I have decided that I'm only going to do work when the boss is in the office.
Coworker #2: Haha! That is so awesome!
Coworker #1: I feel like it's only fair, if she isn't going to be here working, why should I work?
Coworker #2: I agree, she is the captain of this ship, after all.
Coworker #1: And, if I'm forced to do work, for example take a telephone call, I will document the time so that in the future I can make up that time back by not working.
Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania
Manager #1, during performance review: We would have fired you, but we missed the deadline to submit the paperwork.
Manager #2: So by default you are now an employee.
HR rep, under breath: We are so getting sued.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: unleaded
Boss: Do you hear that? That’s the sound of me getting screwed.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
Peon to fellow cube-mates: What would happen if no one ever reached their target, but they just kept placing it further and further away for the sake of “striving for excellence”? (pause) Sounds like you're setting up your people for failure. You ever watch Ninja Warrior? That show is the bomb. They have crazy, semi-impossible obstacle courses, and if a contestant passes all four stages, they win. The point is, no one is supposed to win! The obstacles get harder and harder to keep people from succeeding, not to hope and pray that they win… You are all honorary ninja warriors.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Rio
Boss (in restroom): This is the only room in the building where I know what I'm doing anymore.
Washington, DC
Office drone #1: I see you've got a machete.
Office drone #2, wistfully: Who doesn't, in this workaday world?
Williamsburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Stunned into silence
Female suit: So I was on the elevator with him, and had to explain to Roger Ailes why I was in a bra and panties.
FOX News Headquarters
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Newsbunny
Entry level peon: What I need is a lackey to follow me around and do stuff for me when I tell them to.
Manager: Listen honey, I hate to tell you this, but you are the lackey.
Argentia Road
Mississauga
Canadia
Overheard by: Nobody’s bitch
VP Engineering: Printing has been dropped as a feature, but at least we’re not sacrificing quality to meet the schedule.
2279 Vista Del Mar
San Mateo, California
Office drone #1: What’s a funnier prank — if I tape the the receiver to the boss’s phone, or if I fix it so she can’t open the drawer?
Office drone #2: Um, maybe you should… [looks pointedly at returning boss behind drone #1].
Office drone #1: I know! I’ll glue her coffee mug to her desk. Bitch’ll be spewing!
Boss, standing right behind drone #1: Bitch is behind you.
Harris Street
Pyrmont, Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: get back to work!
