Office Politics

New girl: Why is the door to the file room always locked?
Veteran: Because someone might steal something.
New girl: Who all has a key?
Veteran: Everybody.

Columbia University
New York, New York

Male coworker #1: Was she here yesterday?
Male coworker #2, as unknown object goes flying by overhead: Of course she was here, don't you remember throwing things at her all day?

Department of National Defence

Coworker: It's so cheesy–the dong. It's like “here, hit the dong! We're not giving you a raise, but you get to hit the dong.”

Dublin, Ohio

Overheard by: MissTW

New training manager: Back in the day, I had a great idea. I know we’re into this touchy-feely self-esteem human resource stuff, but I said: “Take the supervisor who has the highest rate of unqualified, untrained direct reports, walk him to the end of the pier, and shoot him!” They told me I couldn’t do that. But it would have been effective!

75 Eastern Point Road
Groton, Connecticut

IT manager: As long as we try to maintain intelligence, a lot of people are going to get confused.

Tonopah, Arizona

Boss: The incentive this month is: the person with the most accounts will get a steak dinner on me. And you can bring your boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, you don't have to eat alone, I'll pay for them too.
Female sales rep: What if I have like eight boyfriends?
Boss: Well, then you're a whore. I don't know what else to tell you.

Charlotte, North Carolina

Coworker: They've done a complete 360 on this project.


Overheard by: SexKitten

Coworker #1: So I have decided that I'm only going to do work when the boss is in the office.
Coworker #2: Haha! That is so awesome!
Coworker #1: I feel like it's only fair, if she isn't going to be here working, why should I work?
Coworker #2: I agree, she is the captain of this ship, after all.
Coworker #1: And, if I'm forced to do work, for example take a telephone call, I will document the time so that in the future I can make up that time back by not working.

Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania

Manager #1, during performance review: We would have fired you, but we missed the deadline to submit the paperwork.
Manager #2: So by default you are now an employee.
HR rep, under breath: We are so getting sued.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: unleaded

Boss: Do you hear that? That’s the sound of me getting screwed.

473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey

Overheard by: office peon