Office guy: I mean, I wouldn’t wish death on anyone, but if we came back from break and she died… I’d be secretly happy.
Office girl: Yeah. Like, if I had to choose someone in the office to die–
Office guy: –It would be her.
Office girl: Totally.
Office guy: Anyway, have a lovely Christmas!
Office girl: You, too! Happy holidays!
Melbourne
Australia
Legal assistant on phone: I said I don’t like talking about MySpace! … Because it always starts a fight!
1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
Woman peon, going to holiday party: So, did you RSVP to this, or just talk to Sandy*?
Bimbette peon: I RSVP-ed — it’s so rude not to. I have a friend who I always invite out, and she never comes.
Woman peon: I hate one-sided friendships.
Bimbette peon: Yeah, I mean, she has MS, but she’s always using it as an excuse not to go out. I leave her phone messages, and her husband will call me back and say that she can’t go out because her MS is bad. I mean, come on!
Woman peon: That’s terrible. How long has she had it?
Bimbette peon: Since I’ve known her… So, 1995. But, I mean, can’t you take a pill for something like that and be okay for a while? The least she could do is return a phone call.
8521 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: Lindsay
20-ish woman peon #1: So, I started my cleanse this week–
20-ish woman peon #2: –Wait, are we talking about poop again? Why are we always talking about poop? Aren’t we a little young for this? [Others stare blankly.] Well, I am strangely comfortable with it. [Others keep staring, so #2 leaves, griping] I hate Oprah.
44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Lady peon: Argh! John* is so retarded!
Male peon: You say that about everyone. According to you, we could get a tax break with all the mentally handicapped people we employ…
Speer Boulevard and Zuni Avenue
Denver, Colorado
Annoying peon: Can you get on the internet? [To a second peon] Can you get on the Internet? [Shouts down hall] Can anyone get on the Internet?! Nothing will come up! I can’t even get my usual porn sites to come up!
Baltimore, Maryland
Lady peon on phone: I don’t know… That whole Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is overrated.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Annoyed executive: I wouldn’t piss in his mouth if it was a urinal!
84 Newbury Street
Peabody, Massachusetts
Cube dweller on phone: Stupid, beer-drinking cat.
Bedminster, New Jersey
Coworker, after snow predicted night before: So, I want to know what happened to the one to three inches I was promised.
Portland, Oregon
