Receptionist: I’m sorry, sir, you’ll have to call 4-1-1 for that number.
Customer: Who should I ask for?
Receptionist: What company are you looking for?
Customer: National Association of Pizza Deliverers*.
Receptionist: Um, then that’s who you should ask for.
Washington, DC
Old hag customer: Isn’t that one of those pilgrims from just South of here? She’s ugly as sin.
Bimbette clerk: Oh my god! There are still pilgrims alive? And they live there? That explains so much about the Indian reservation being just down the road.
562 East Main Street
Louisville, Mississippi
Overheard by: Doesn’t Work There Anymore
Cashier: Sir, what's your zip code?
Customer: Credit.
Cashier: No, your zip code?
Customer: Oh… credit.
Cashier: Your zip code!
Hampton, Virginia
Overheard by: TY
Library patron: Can you help me? I don’t remember how to turn the computers on.
Employee: Well, this one’s already on, see? [Wiggles mouse to activate screen.]Library patron: Oh… What about this one? I don’t like that one.
Employee: Well, this one’s off, so I’ll turn it on [presses power button].
Library patron: Ah, so they each have a little trick. What about this one? [Proudly swishes mouse.]Employee, frustrated: No, see, if the green light is off, then you press the button.
Library patron: Whatever you say…
130 Wall Street
New Haven, Connecticut
Customer: How much is a sheeet of 100 24-cent stamps?
Clerk: $24.00.
Customer: Okay, I'll take a sheet.
Clerk: I don't have a sheet of 100. Will a roll of 100 be okay?
Customer: I don't know. How much is that?
Clerk: $24.00.
US Post Office
Newton, Kansas
Customer: I need fabric.
CSR: OK. What type of fabric do you need?
Customer: I need fabric.
CSR: Um, could you be more specific?
Customer: I need fabric that looks like cloth.
425 West 15th Street
New York, NY
Old hen: My granddaughter wants to ride on a fire truck in the parade, who should I call?
Fire dept. rep: We don't do that anymore, because of the liability.
Old hen: What liability?
Fire dept. rep: Some silly kid will be jumping around all excited and fall off the truck and break their head, and then the parents will sue us for a zillion dollars.
Old hen: Well, not if it was the kid's fault, they wouldn't.
Fire dept. rep: What cartoon planet are you from, exactly?
Oregon
Overheard by: b-mac
Shuttle driver: … So I married a girl from Wyoming.
Customer: Well, at least they shave there.
Hotel
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: confused front desk girl
Customer: Here’s my order number.
CSR: Yes, how can I help you?
Customer: What can you tell me about my order?
CSR: Um. What would you like to know?
Customer: You tell me. What does your computer tell you?
CSR: It tells me lots of things. What you ordered, when you ordered it. How can I help you?
Customer: Tell me everything your screen tells you about my order.
CSR: What would you like to know?
Customer: No, I want to know what you know about my order.
CSR: Well, I can tell you when it shipped, when it was delivered. Would those help?
Customer: No. What else?
CSR: Well, it would take me a really long time to read you everything I have here.
Customer: Oh. Well, let me explain. [Gives explanation]CSR: I see. So you just want UPS to pick up this order?
Customer: Are you an idiot? That’s what I’ve been saying the whole time!
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon can’t wait for the weekend
Patron: Will the bank will be open on Friday?
Teller: Yes sir, we are open. Why shouldn't we be?
Patron: I heard it will be very cold Thursday and Friday.
Teller: No sir, we don't close the bank due to cold weather. How can I help you?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Eddie
