Customer: Are you open?
Cashier: Uh, excuse me?
Customer: Are you open?
Cashier: Um…yeah.
Customer: Oh, well you’re not supposed to be.
Cashier: What?
Customer: Well, it says you’re not supposed to be open until 10!
Cashier: Um…oh, well pharmacy opens at 10. We’ve been open since 8.
Customer: Okay, well I can come back.
Cashier: Um, okay…but we are open right now.
Customer: Okay, well then all I want is a box of cigarettes.
4405 1st Street
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
Lady: Where are the eggs?
Sales rep at grocery store: I’m sorry, I don’t work here.
Lady, turning to husband: She doesn’t speak English.
Sales rep: No ma’am, I don’t work here.
1300 Elmhurst Road
Des Plaines, Illinois
Client: May I ask you a question?
Patent Agent: Uh, sure.
Client: I’d like your opinion on my [douche] invention as an engineer and as a woman.
508 Riverbend Drive
Kitchener, Ontario
Canadia
Guy: I used to work in an inner city office.
Girl: Really?
Guy: Yeah, I learned lots of words from them. Like ‘booyah’. It means ‘good.’ Like, ‘That is booyah!’
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: The Intern
Customer: Do you sell cards?
Hallmark employee: Yes. Yes, we do.
The Hallmark Store
Manhattan, Kansas
Overheard by: Fellow Hallmark Employee
Waiter to customer: I’m sorry, but we’re out of swiss. Would you like mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: Swiss.
Waiter: No, we don’t have swiss. Do you want mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: You don’t have swiss?
Waiter: Nope, but we do have mozzarella and cheddar.
Customer: That sucks!
Waiter: Yeah, I’m sorry. Would you like either mozzarella or cheddar?
Customer: What other cheeses do you have?
Waiter: Mozzarella and cheddar.
Customer: Don’t you have any other cheeses?
Salt Lake City, Utah
Registrant for conference to receptionist: This says we should list food allergies. I listed horses.
Severna Park, Maryland
Inspirational speaker: The left side of the brain in charge of your creative process, so when you don’t feel inspired, take a deep breath closing your right nostril with your finger so all the air goes only and directly to the left side of your brain…
Audience, while inhaling as told: Wow…
Miami, Florida
Receptionist: I’m sorry, sir, you’ll have to call 4-1-1 for that number.
Customer: Who should I ask for?
Receptionist: What company are you looking for?
Customer: National Association of Pizza Deliverers*.
Receptionist: Um, then that’s who you should ask for.
Washington, DC
Old hag customer: Isn’t that one of those pilgrims from just South of here? She’s ugly as sin.
Bimbette clerk: Oh my god! There are still pilgrims alive? And they live there? That explains so much about the Indian reservation being just down the road.
562 East Main Street
Louisville, Mississippi
Overheard by: Doesn’t Work There Anymore
