Crazies

2000 Years Old and Still a Virgin

Holy roller #1: He has a Jesus hat on. He looks really WT today.
Holy roller #2: Praise him.
Holy roller #1: Is that his wife? I think it is.
Holy roller #2: ‘Thin-lipped, snake handling Jesus freaks,’ I can hear her shrieking already. I wonder if they speak in tongues… Durka durka blah blah burble burble…
Holy roller #1: That’s what it sounded like. Here they come…
Holy roller #2: I can feel the holy spirit oozing out of her. I’ll bet she smells like Jesus.
Holy roller #1: Totally.

757 North Broadway
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

9AM Back to Work

Visiting IT guy: You want some crack? Oh, I can get you some crack. You should have said something, I was at Pawley’s Island this weekend and had a boatload.
Assistant: Hmm, and you are on crack now. I see your hands are not shaking from withdrawal. Get out of my cubicle.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

12PM Order Pens

Co-worker #1: Why do you keep breaking your pens? That’s company property.
Co-worker #2: I break things so I don’t have to kill again.

120 East Shore Drive
Glen Allen, Virginia

Overheard by: Chris

Here’s a Map of Where I Would Go

Girl: But I wouldn’t violate you in that way that would offend you, you know what I mean? Like, I just wouldn’t go that route.

1 New York Plaza

Overheard by: I would

To What Extent Are You Her?

Old, crazy worker lady: Hey, what department do you work in?
New girl: I work in XYZ department*.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, what do you do there?
New girl: I’m an assistant.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, you’re a lawyer?
New girl: No, I’m an assistant. My name’s Erin Murray*.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, Erin Murray! Oh, I know her — I’m a big fan of her work.

South Carolina

Overheard by: stuck in sc

I Might Just Do It for Fun

30-ish mom slamming purse down in front of young teen boy: Excuse me!
Teen: Yeah?
Mom: You will stop harrassing my son [points outside to younger boy] immediately. Do you understand?!
Teen: What?
Mom: Don’t follow him, call him ‘gay,’ call him anything — just don’t talk to him.
Teen: What?
Mom: Look, I’m not like the other mothers around here. I’m not polite. I’m crazy. Super psycho crazy and I don’t give up.
Teen, intimidated: Okay.
Mom, leaning in: I have a dent in the front of my car, and I’m not afraid to put another one next to it — get my drift?

Starbucks
Westwood, New Jersey

Maybe She Was Sensing That She’s Smarter Than Her Owner

Canadian woman: Things have been so strange around here lately with all the closed door meetings and whispering. Even my dog was really restless the other night, but I think she was sensing the earthquake and possible tsunami.

4027 Tampa Road
Oldsmar, Florida

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Hello 8 Mile

Guy reading the paper: Elton John is going to try hip hop.
Young co-worker: That’s weird.
Gay co-worker: Who’s Elton John?

5500 Rings Road
Columbus, Ohio

Overheard by: amazed he didn’t know

She Took a Really Big Pas de Deux

Employee: The ballerina broke the toilet.

1228 Egypt Road
Oaks, Pennsylvania

Rule of Thumb: Don’t Hire Anyone Who Has Ever Performed a Mortal Kombat Move in Real Life

Applicant, explaining multi-year gap in employment history: I got sent to jail for stabbing a guy twelve times, but it was bullshit.
Manager: Oh yeah?
Applicant: Yeah. I only stabbed him six times; I just had two knives in my hand. It was bullshit.
Manager: Hmm. I see.

Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

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