Bosses and Underlings

Nobody Who Says ‘Languish’ Would Ever Get Promoted in the US

Boss: So, I have a problem with giving you the job, even though I know you can do it.
Worker: What’s the issue?
Boss: You seem to be annoyed with us, and you’re not upbeat enough after what happened.
Worker: What happened is that I lived the values, delivered on everything, then the organization totally screwed me over, gave my job to someone else, and left me to languish for a year with no certainty about my future. Now you’re saying you can’t give me another job because you’ve been such dickheads?
Boss: I know it sounds bad.

388 George Street
Sydney, Australia

He’s Still Using a Sundial

Boss: Call England and find out what time it is.
Assistant: Call who in England? England is 5 hours ahead of us, so it’s 4:17 there.
Boss: Can you please listen to what I have to say and just call England? I need to be sure.
Assistant, two minutes later: I called England, and it’s 4:19.
Boss: See, it pays to double check. You were 2 minutes off.

1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York

Unless I Can Watch

Boss: You may not spend an hour in the bathroom.

3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Isn’t That a Felony in Most States?

Boss: Wait, I have a question: they’re fucking retarded!
Underling: That’s actually not a question…
Boss: Whatever, they’re still fucking retards.

13546 Rockland Road
Lake Bluff, Illinois

Overheard by: Victa G

When I Increased the Size of My…Facilities, He Was Unable to Make Inventory

Manager on phone: Yeah, I broke up with him…Yeah, he was okay…Yeah…Yeah…But he just didn’t scale.

Silicon Valley, California

Overheard by: David

No, I Still Work Here

Boss: Do you know what the difference between you and me is?
Employee: About 20 IQ points and a sense of style?

1 Lincoln Plaza
New York, New York

Overheard by: tried not to laugh out loud

He’s Secretly a Huge Cystic Fibrosis Fan

Office manager: Did you make an anonymous donation to our MS bike team?
Intern: I wish!

51st Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York

If the Goal Is to Go Home at Five, Then You’re on the Right Track

Employee: Someone just called me. They said, “Hello,” and asked if I could help them because they had a question. I didn’t know what to do, so I said, “No,” and hung up. Was that okay?
Boss: I guess that’s one way of handling it.

US Patent and Trademark Office
Alexandria, Virginia

Overheard by: Why Me?

Why Mr. Ass’s Employment Was Terminated During the Probationary Period

Boss: When will you be done with these?
Jackass: I dunno, all I have left is to finish.

Hudson, Wisconsin

Why Night Guy Volunteered to Work Nights

Boss: Why didn’t you build those three displays last night?
Night guy: I couldn’t find the stuff to do it with.
Boss, going back and pointing to the only three pallets of stuff in the back room: This is the stuff you couldn’t find all night?
Night guy: You should have put in my note that I should look harder.

Albertson’s
Salt Lake City, Utah

Overheard by: Bill

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